Making the mental effort

Okay so it's been two months since I posted, and honestly I've just been trying to push past my thoughts. I've been trying to not figure out things, and instead just let it be. But when does it all just stop? When can I finally say nameless is never on my mind anymore? When will that random rush of desolation stop? Why even let my mind go to that dark place when I know that, emotionally, I'm not in that place anymore. I know that I am in a much better place. Despite recent encounters, I can still say that I'm not as broken as I was. In fact, I don't consider myself broken. I consider myself mending. So yes, there's still some cracks that need to be filled. And maybe those cracks is what gives my mind the opportunity to go back to that torment.

So, when I start feeling that way, I want to make the mental effort to pull my mind out of that ditch. To not dwell on the past, and by saying that I don't mean to look to the future of what could be or what might be, but instead to focus on where I am now. With that being said, I want to launch a new blog: Tales of a Healing Heart. I'm not broken anymore. I'm healing...one day at a time. 

Until next time. 

Trust issues

If you've seen the movie Pleasantville, then you'll know where I'm going with this analogy. For those of you who don't know, I think you'll get it anyway. Okay so, Pleasantville is a town that was completely black and white, with people who act boring, strict, uptight, predictable, etc. It wasn't until someone from that town found out about color. Basically about what it was like to actually live life. So, this person went and was able to spread this color around, and for those people who were still black and white, it shook them up. This was because it was so hard for them to get out of that black and white state of mind, but when they finally did get out of that mindset, they had a whole new outlook on life. 

For me, this is what it's like when it comes to having an issue with trust. I've been so used to seeing life as black and white, so used to seeing one thing, because I've been hurt and I think it left this film over my heart. This kind of thin, unnoticeable layer, that I didn't realize I had until someone tried knocking on that door. That splash of color, that new opportunity, shook me up. I was ready to run, and guess what? I did. 

You see, I don't think the test of whether you're truly healed is when you've been feeling okay. It's not how long you've went without crying. I think it's how you respond when you get another knock on your heart. 

Until next time. 

Here's to finally finding out...that it was all my fault

Selfishness. It's a very interesting word. A very nice word to describe nameless even. While I'm over here crying my eyes out this dude is feeling free. Yes, I said it. Free. Why? because the breakup was my fault. No, let's not talk about how crappy he treated me. Let's talk about how overbearing I was. Let's talk about how I was really, really, really insecure because I knew he was hiding something from me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen the break up was all my fault. I am the reason for this. Right? Let's not talk about how he wouldn't communicate, distanced himself emotionally, would go a week or more if I let him without speaking to me, left a card in my locker for my birthday without saying a word, would walk away from me when I wanted attention that he was barely giving me in the first place. How I put up with all of that crap because I loved him, but when I realized it was draining me and I called it quits, he came prancing back. I gave him a way out, because it seemed like he didn't care. KEY WORD: WAY OUT. I gave him a way out FIRST. IF I WAS SO OVERBEARING WHY DIDN'T HE TAKE IT WHEN HE HAD THE FREAKING CHANCE. I was only a product of the way he treated me, but yet it was my insecurity that broke us up. 3 years by the way, and just allllll of a sudden, I became so "overbearing?" For no reason? Hmm, interesting. But let's just look a little closer at this. He says, I was overbearing, but who didn't want to talk to me? I clearly kept stating what I wanted, which was communication. But what did he keep doing? Not communicating. Oopsies. Sorry that I had to turn on my crazy, to get him to finally say what it was that he wasn't telling me, but instead he left me. Ooo plot twist.
Why would you leave someone who you claimed to have loved so much that nothing could change it? What's so bad about communicating? Funny, how he could tell everyone else this reason but me. Instead of saying how crappy he was, he tells them I was "overbearing," "we were arguing, and it was too much." Of course it was, that's why in our last year of being together I would cry most nights because I didn't understand why he was so neglectful. When all I wanted was for him to just talk to me. But it's my fault. There you have it, y'all. I'm the reason we broke up. Yay. I waited two years for this.

PS: The worse part is that this is what he's telling other people, and it's so embarrassing. But I mentioned something earlier: I became a product of the way he was treating me. And no one will ever know just how bad it was because he's gonna sugarcoat it and make it look like it was all me.

PSS: Oh yeah, I don't think I ever explained why he was selfish. I mentioned that I put up with his crap because I loved him, which means that I put him before myself and that's what you do when you "love" someone. But instead of fixing things with me like I tried for almost a YEAR to do with him, which would have been so easy to fix, he ran. How is that love? Why would he ever utter that word out of his mouth if he ended up leaving for not doing what love is supposed to do best: overcome?


Until Next Time.

The Ice Castle

Hey guys, I know it's been a while, sorry about that. So, I've been thinking. What if nameless and I never happened? I'd be in such a better position today. I wouldn't have such pure hatred for someone who is currently avoiding the situation. There actually wouldn't be a situation to deal with...or a situation that made me so cold. When Nameless and I met up 3 months ago, I could feel myself being distant. I refused to let my emotions show through because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still cared about him. The truth is that I had a bunch of emotions that day, and I couldn't express them to him. I had to be cold. There’s a difference between keeping my guard up with other guys. It's the fact that I still kept it up with him. He's not just any guy to me. That's how I knew I really hardened my heart because my emotions should've shone through, but I didn't let them. I was so mean...but he deserved it. 

Point is, I hate nameless so much. I really wish I never met him. I wish I could make all of my emotions for him disappear, and that may sound cliche, but really. I really just wanna stop it all. I want to forget about him. I want to not care. 

I think it all comes down to me hating him for doing this to me. For making me have such a big heart for him, for making me think that love really was the greatest weapon, and then taking that all away from me LITERALLY in an instant. How? Why? And does he have his crap together enough to actually talk about this? NOPE. 

Now, my heart is so hard. I feel like I built this really thick, ice-cold, wall around it (think Elsa's ice castle thick), and I refuse to break it down. And I feel like if I break it down, then I'm gonna break down. I know that I need to, but in order to start thawing away at it, I need to forgive him and I can't do that. Right now, I'm comfy in my ice castle.

Until Next Time.

The silent battle

What if. What if he's thinking of me? What if he wants to talk to me? What if he actually cares? What if I was all wrong? What if I did or said something different to him last week? You know there wouldn't be so many what ifs if I actually talked to him. But I can't. I don't know why I can't, but I just can't. Maybe I'm really not ready. But I am actually ready. I just have a lot to lose. I gained so much back in the past year, and I'm not willing to risk that for the same guy who threw my heart in a ditch, and walked over it without looking down at it. I'm not going to sit here and get played again. And I guess it all comes down to me being scared, so I'm expecting the worse...and also acting out in the worse way. I feel so bad for being mean to him. But should I? Like does he feel bad for everything he put me through? I'm taking my power back...right? What's making me go crazy is that everything is telling me to talk to him, but I don't want to. Because I don't know if it's just my old instincts coming through...or if this weight I'm feeling is in my chest for a reason.

These are the silent thoughts that go through my mind everyday. I can't talk about them because it's not going to get me anywhere. I can't act on them because I don't know if I should. So, it's just become this battle that I don't know how to fight.

If you take anything from this, take what I refuse to take for myself: Go for it. Whatever it is. a new job, a new opportunity, an old love, a new love. Take the chance because what if? What if what you physically see is only surface level? There may be more than what meets the eye (got that from transformers).

Until Next Time. 

Wait...Am I missing something?

I can remember everything hurtful he said to me two years ago. I can remember his death stare. But I can't remember him giving me any hope that he'd come around. I didn't make something clear in my last post...nameless reached out to me. After everything he said and did to me two years ago, he actually wanted to see me. So I think I'm missing something...why would you want to see a person who you said you wanted nothing to do with, and hadn't bothered to reach out to since? Why would you want to finally talk to that person after not wanting to talk to her for two years?

Guys, do you see my confusion here?

I hate being the bad guy...but I think I have to become one. Just because he's ready to "talk." Doesn't mean that he can expect me to be ready. He's used to me always being there but nope. Not not this time. He did his time. Now I'm gonna do my time. So, I'm doing everything he did to me. I blocked him from all social media (and I may or may not have said some hurtful things before I did so), and I'm refusing to let my guard down. As much as I want to talk to him, and as confused as I am, I'm not going to talk to him. I can't. Like I said in my last post, I don't even know who he is anymore. Let alone what his intentions are. For all I know, he could have a hidden agenda. Does he want to hurt me again? Or does he want to make up for it? I just don't know.


Okay, so for once, I actually want to hear what you guys think. Not looking for advice, but thoughts. Genuine thoughts. If you can relate, tell me. If you would do something different, tell me. I'm curious, and I hope you guys respond :)


Until Next Time.

Beauty and the Beast

I gave too much credit to nameless in my last post...way too much credit. You know how in the movie, Beauty and the Beast, the Prince who was once so handsome had been cursed and changed into a scary beast because he had an ugly heart? Yeah that's nameless. 

After 9 months, I saw him again and the person that I saw wasn't the sweet, guy who used to look at me with the most loving eyes. He used to look at me in awe, as if I was the most precious thing to him. He used to only look at me. No, the person I saw was egotistical. Feeling himself way too much and looked at me objectively. He's no longer the nameless I fell in love with. He's just like the other guys now. I never thought he'd be the one to change like that. But he did and he's never been so ugly to me. 

After seeing him, a realization dawned on me. Nameless and I have history. Just like I used to say that I know him like the back of my hand...he knows me just as well. He knows that I would do anything for him. He knows that I'll always be there. He knew that when we broke up, (which is probably why he looked like he wasn't taking it so hard) he knew I wasn't going anywhere. He was strategic with everything that he said and did. He knows what I like; communication. So, he knows how to draw me back in.

I don't know why he is the way he is now. I don't know what happened to his feelings for me or if he even looks at me the same way at all. As of now, I do know what I am to him: an option. The girl who was there through all his crap. The girl he said was the best thing that ever happened to him. The girl who he loved sooo much that not even time could change his love for her. Has now just become the back up. But how? Why?

What happened? Was everything all a lie? Was this whole relationship some strategic plan to only benefit him in the long run?
I just don't understand what happened to him. I don't understand why he keeps hurting me. What did I do to him? So I stopped believing the best. He's not who I fell in love with, and quite frankly I feel like I wasted my time. I saw so much in him. I always saw so much more in him than he knew. And to see him act like the rest of the guys who don't care about anything but themselves and their hormones...breaks my heart again.
If I gave my heart to someone only to see him turn out so ugly, and treat me as if I'm only meant for his beck and call, then I wasted so much time. I'm so stupid. I'm stupid for believing the best. I'm stupid for having hope. I'm stupid for thinking that he was different and for believing him when he said..."I love you."
I don't care where he goes in life as long as he's not in mine. I don't want him. He's sick-minded and ugly to me now. The guy I knew and loved is dead.



Until next time.