The Ice Castle

Hey guys, I know it's been a while, sorry about that. So, I've been thinking. What if nameless and I never happened? I'd be in such a better position today. I wouldn't have such pure hatred for someone who is currently avoiding the situation. There actually wouldn't be a situation to deal with...or a situation that made me so cold. When Nameless and I met up 3 months ago, I could feel myself being distant. I refused to let my emotions show through because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still cared about him. The truth is that I had a bunch of emotions that day, and I couldn't express them to him. I had to be cold. There’s a difference between keeping my guard up with other guys. It's the fact that I still kept it up with him. He's not just any guy to me. That's how I knew I really hardened my heart because my emotions should've shone through, but I didn't let them. I was so mean...but he deserved it. 

Point is, I hate nameless so much. I really wish I never met him. I wish I could make all of my emotions for him disappear, and that may sound cliche, but really. I really just wanna stop it all. I want to forget about him. I want to not care. 

I think it all comes down to me hating him for doing this to me. For making me have such a big heart for him, for making me think that love really was the greatest weapon, and then taking that all away from me LITERALLY in an instant. How? Why? And does he have his crap together enough to actually talk about this? NOPE. 

Now, my heart is so hard. I feel like I built this really thick, ice-cold, wall around it (think Elsa's ice castle thick), and I refuse to break it down. And I feel like if I break it down, then I'm gonna break down. I know that I need to, but in order to start thawing away at it, I need to forgive him and I can't do that. Right now, I'm comfy in my ice castle.

Until Next Time.