The silent battle

What if. What if he's thinking of me? What if he wants to talk to me? What if he actually cares? What if I was all wrong? What if I did or said something different to him last week? You know there wouldn't be so many what ifs if I actually talked to him. But I can't. I don't know why I can't, but I just can't. Maybe I'm really not ready. But I am actually ready. I just have a lot to lose. I gained so much back in the past year, and I'm not willing to risk that for the same guy who threw my heart in a ditch, and walked over it without looking down at it. I'm not going to sit here and get played again. And I guess it all comes down to me being scared, so I'm expecting the worse...and also acting out in the worse way. I feel so bad for being mean to him. But should I? Like does he feel bad for everything he put me through? I'm taking my power back...right? What's making me go crazy is that everything is telling me to talk to him, but I don't want to. Because I don't know if it's just my old instincts coming through...or if this weight I'm feeling is in my chest for a reason.

These are the silent thoughts that go through my mind everyday. I can't talk about them because it's not going to get me anywhere. I can't act on them because I don't know if I should. So, it's just become this battle that I don't know how to fight.

If you take anything from this, take what I refuse to take for myself: Go for it. Whatever it is. a new job, a new opportunity, an old love, a new love. Take the chance because what if? What if what you physically see is only surface level? There may be more than what meets the eye (got that from transformers).

Until Next Time.