Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The silent battle

What if. What if he's thinking of me? What if he wants to talk to me? What if he actually cares? What if I was all wrong? What if I did or said something different to him last week? You know there wouldn't be so many what ifs if I actually talked to him. But I can't. I don't know why I can't, but I just can't. Maybe I'm really not ready. But I am actually ready. I just have a lot to lose. I gained so much back in the past year, and I'm not willing to risk that for the same guy who threw my heart in a ditch, and walked over it without looking down at it. I'm not going to sit here and get played again. And I guess it all comes down to me being scared, so I'm expecting the worse...and also acting out in the worse way. I feel so bad for being mean to him. But should I? Like does he feel bad for everything he put me through? I'm taking my power back...right? What's making me go crazy is that everything is telling me to talk to him, but I don't want to. Because I don't know if it's just my old instincts coming through...or if this weight I'm feeling is in my chest for a reason.

These are the silent thoughts that go through my mind everyday. I can't talk about them because it's not going to get me anywhere. I can't act on them because I don't know if I should. So, it's just become this battle that I don't know how to fight.


If you take anything from this, take what I refuse to take for myself: Go for it. Whatever it is. a new job, a new opportunity, an old love, a new love. Take the chance because what if? What if what you physically see is only surface level? There may be more than what meets the eye (got that from transformers).



Until Next Time. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Wait...Am I missing something?

I can remember everything hurtful he said to me two years ago. I can remember his death stare. But I can't remember him giving me any hope that he'd come around. I didn't make something clear in my last post...nameless reached out to me. After everything he said and did to me two years ago, he actually wanted to see me. So I think I'm missing something...why would you want to see a person who you said you wanted nothing to do with, and hadn't bothered to reach out to since? Why would you want to finally talk to that person after not wanting to talk to her for two years?

Guys, do you see my confusion here?

I hate being the bad guy...but I think I have to become one. Just because he's ready to "talk." Doesn't mean that he can expect me to be ready. He's used to me always being there but nope. Not not this time. He did his time. Now I'm gonna do my time. So, I'm doing everything he did to me. I blocked him from all social media (and I may or may not have said some hurtful things before I did so), and I'm refusing to let my guard down. As much as I want to talk to him, and as confused as I am, I'm not going to talk to him. I can't. Like I said in my last post, I don't even know who he is anymore. Let alone what his intentions are. For all I know, he could have a hidden agenda. Does he want to hurt me again? Or does he want to make up for it? I just don't know.


Okay, so for once, I actually want to hear what you guys think. Not looking for advice, but thoughts. Genuine thoughts. If you can relate, tell me. If you would do something different, tell me. I'm curious, and I hope you guys respond :)


Until Next Time.




Friday, January 6, 2017

Beauty and the Beast

I gave too much credit to nameless in my last post...way too much credit. You know how in the movie, Beauty and the Beast, the Prince who was once so handsome had been cursed and changed into a scary beast because he had an ugly heart? Yeah that's nameless. 

After 9 months, I saw him again and the person that I saw wasn't the sweet, guy who used to look at me with the most loving eyes. He used to look at me in awe, as if I was the most precious thing to him. He used to only look at me. No, the person I saw was egotistical. Feeling himself way too much and looked at me objectively. He's no longer the nameless I fell in love with. He's just like the other guys now. I never thought he'd be the one to change like that. But he did and he's never been so ugly to me. 

After seeing him, a realization dawned on me. Nameless and I have history. Just like I used to say that I know him like the back of my hand...he knows me just as well. He knows that I would do anything for him. He knows that I'll always be there. He knew that when we broke up, (which is probably why he looked like he wasn't taking it so hard) he knew I wasn't going anywhere. He was strategic with everything that he said and did. He knows what I like; communication. So, he knows how to draw me back in.

I don't know why he is the way he is now. I don't know what happened to his feelings for me or if he even looks at me the same way at all. As of now, I do know what I am to him: an option. The girl who was there through all his crap. The girl he said was the best thing that ever happened to him. The girl who he loved sooo much that not even time could change his love for her. Has now just become the back up. But how? Why?

What happened? Was everything all a lie? Was this whole relationship some strategic plan to only benefit him in the long run?
I just don't understand what happened to him. I don't understand why he keeps hurting me. What did I do to him? So I stopped believing the best. He's not who I fell in love with, and quite frankly I feel like I wasted my time. I saw so much in him. I always saw so much more in him than he knew. And to see him act like the rest of the guys who don't care about anything but themselves and their hormones...breaks my heart again.
If I gave my heart to someone only to see him turn out so ugly, and treat me as if I'm only meant for his beck and call, then I wasted so much time. I'm so stupid. I'm stupid for believing the best. I'm stupid for having hope. I'm stupid for thinking that he was different and for believing him when he said..."I love you."
I don't care where he goes in life as long as he's not in mine. I don't want him. He's sick-minded and ugly to me now. The guy I knew and loved is dead.



Until next time.