I gave too much credit to nameless in my last post...way too much credit. You know how in the movie,
Beauty and the Beast, the Prince who was once so handsome had been cursed and changed into a scary beast because he had an ugly heart? Yeah that's nameless.
After 9 months, I saw him again and the person that I saw wasn't the sweet, guy who used to look at me with the most loving eyes. He used to look at me in awe, as if I was the most precious thing to him. He used to only look at me. No, the person I saw was egotistical. Feeling himself way too much and looked at me objectively. He's no longer the nameless I fell in love with. He's just like the other guys now. I never thought he'd be the one to change like that. But he did and he's never been so ugly to me.
After seeing him, a realization dawned on me. Nameless and I have history. Just like I used to say that I know him like the back of my hand...he knows me just as well. He knows that I would do anything for him. He knows that I'll always be there. He knew that when we broke up, (which is probably why he looked like he wasn't taking it so hard) he knew I wasn't going anywhere. He was strategic with everything that he said and did. He knows what I like; communication. So, he knows how to draw me back in.
I don't know why he is the way he is now. I don't know what happened to his feelings for me or if he even looks at me the same way at all. As of now, I do know what I am to him: an option. The girl who was there through all his crap. The girl he said was the best thing that ever happened to him. The girl who he loved sooo much that not even time could change his love for her. Has now just become the back up. But how? Why?
What happened? Was everything all a lie? Was this whole relationship some strategic plan to only benefit him in the long run?
I just don't understand what happened to him. I don't understand why he keeps hurting me. What did I do to him? So I stopped believing the best. He's not who I fell in love with, and quite frankly I feel like I wasted my time. I saw so much in him. I always saw so much more in him than he knew. And to see him act like the rest of the guys who don't care about anything but themselves and their hormones...breaks my heart again.
If I gave my heart to someone only to see him turn out so ugly, and treat me as if I'm only meant for his beck and call, then I wasted so much time. I'm so stupid. I'm stupid for believing the best. I'm stupid for having hope. I'm stupid for thinking that he was different and for believing him when he said..."I love you."
I don't care where he goes in life as long as he's not in mine. I don't want him. He's sick-minded and ugly to me now. The guy I knew and loved is dead.
Until next time.