Sometimes I wonder if I really did do something wrong. If maybe I gave nameless a reason to stop loving me...did I? Is it possible that love for someone could leave so quickly after being there for so long? (Answering my own question) No. Love doesn't just disappear. It doesn't just "die" even if the person hurt you really badly. But I'm still wondering if I did something way wrong because if I didn't...wouldn't he have done something by now? What switch could I have possibly flipped to make him, the one who made it crystal clear he wasn't leaving my side under any circumstance, actually turn his back on me for good?
I get so angry thinking about how I put my trust, my heart, into this guy. I didn't realize how much of "me" I gave him until he left. Sometimes I wonder if it was a waste of my time. I even wonder if I'm wasting my time giving him thought, and still loving him. I mean he made a complete fool out of me. Look, I'm completely exposing myself by writing a freaking blog about it. I don't know if he feels the same way, if he still thinks about me or if I'm even worth thinking about to him. All I know is that I don't see anything happening, I have no way of knowing, and it's making me feel like giving up.
So, am I really the bad guy? Why else would he just up and walk out of my life? And find every way to keep me out of his? Why else would his stare look like it could disintegrate me in seconds? How else did I come from being one of the closest people to him to being the person he pushed the furthest away? How does that work? How could he do that all for my best interest? Stupidity that's how. I'm done. Good night.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Fighting for peace that I already have
Today marks 9 months of our break-up anniversary, Wow (tearing up again). Anyway, I've been holding back a little. For a while it's been on my heart to write this post, but I just didn't make the time for it. Some days I wake up feeling heavy. Some days I wake up fine, but then during the day I get sad, and start to feel really heavy again. At any point, this heaviness could hit me, and I would let it smack me in the face, and bring me down. 9 months ago my very best friend decided to walk out of my life, and I felt like I haven't been at peace since. I felt like everyday was a fight to be me again. I was fighting to have peace.There would be some moments that I would feel really peaceful, and every time that feeling came around, I'd close my eyes willing myself to stay in that place. It didn't work.
Pretty much all last week, I was listening to a song called Elastic Heart by Sia, and I love the song by the way, but God was telling me not to listen to it. Of course, I ignored him at first, but in the song there's a line that says "I'm still fighting for peace", And God told me, "Why are you fighting for peace that you already have?" I guess that's why he wanted me to stop listening to it, because my reason for listening to it was to be able to relate with that thought that I didn't have peace, but God told me that I did.
Throughout the past 9 months God has been my go-to for every concern and frustration that I've had. He has been my go-to for peace, and sometimes I forget that I still have it no matter where I go or what I do. I don't have to always have my nose in a devotional or in the bible to stay in that place of peace. I have it everywhere I go. That means I have it in my sleep, the moment that I wake up, when I'm brushing my teeth, showering, going to class, going out. It is with me everywhere I go because God is with me everywhere I go, and in everything I do. This whole time I've been so convinced that I didn't have peace, but it was all in my head. God reminded me that I don't have to continue to fight for peace that he has been continuously giving me.
This doesn't mean that I still don't have my moments or that I'm perfectly content without nameless in my life. Just the thought of him not being in my life right now still brings me to tears sometimes. This just means that I am no longer letting this situation keep me in that place of heaviness, because I trust what God is doing. Having peace is basically trusting and believing that everything is going to work out, even if you don't see anything happening. It's not worrying about a thing, because God knows exactly what he's doing, and he knows exactly when he wants things to happen. Personally, I'm really excited to see what he has in mind.
Pretty much all last week, I was listening to a song called Elastic Heart by Sia, and I love the song by the way, but God was telling me not to listen to it. Of course, I ignored him at first, but in the song there's a line that says "I'm still fighting for peace", And God told me, "Why are you fighting for peace that you already have?" I guess that's why he wanted me to stop listening to it, because my reason for listening to it was to be able to relate with that thought that I didn't have peace, but God told me that I did.
Throughout the past 9 months God has been my go-to for every concern and frustration that I've had. He has been my go-to for peace, and sometimes I forget that I still have it no matter where I go or what I do. I don't have to always have my nose in a devotional or in the bible to stay in that place of peace. I have it everywhere I go. That means I have it in my sleep, the moment that I wake up, when I'm brushing my teeth, showering, going to class, going out. It is with me everywhere I go because God is with me everywhere I go, and in everything I do. This whole time I've been so convinced that I didn't have peace, but it was all in my head. God reminded me that I don't have to continue to fight for peace that he has been continuously giving me.
This doesn't mean that I still don't have my moments or that I'm perfectly content without nameless in my life. Just the thought of him not being in my life right now still brings me to tears sometimes. This just means that I am no longer letting this situation keep me in that place of heaviness, because I trust what God is doing. Having peace is basically trusting and believing that everything is going to work out, even if you don't see anything happening. It's not worrying about a thing, because God knows exactly what he's doing, and he knows exactly when he wants things to happen. Personally, I'm really excited to see what he has in mind.
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