Today is the Day/ Thank you Nameless

2 years ago I was forced to cope with heartbreak. My biggest setback in this journey was listening to what people said, and reading into the things I saw. I had to watch nameless act like he didn't care, act like he had it all together, and on top of that I had to hear people tell me things like, "He doesn't want you." The picture he painted of himself of having the appearance of a good, upstanding guy made me sick (not gonna lie it still makes me sick). Because here I am broken because he hurt me and didn't look back. He tore me apart and no one saw that. No one actually knew the real story, they just knew the facade he put on. It tore me up how I had to go the rest of my senior year in high school watching him laugh and joke with other people. The type of people who only say happy birthday to him just because it's his birthday not because they know him (his words btw), while me, the one who was actually close to him, got the coldest stare if I had dared to approach him. But no one saw that look. No one heard him say "I want nothing to do with you." NO one saw the 360 degree flip that he pulled on me. No one saw how this "good" guy would sit around and ignore me, and not communicate. Or how he would walk away from me (speed walk), while I followed him like a DOG, pleading with him to talk to me. He wouldn't even look back when I stopped. No. No one saw the amount of effort I put into that relationship only to get HURT in the end. Only to feel STUPID and EMPTY in the end. But yet, this "good" guy gets the credit for breaking up with me. Oh how mature of him *eye roll.*

I say all that to say that I had to handle it. I had to cope with that automatic switch he did on me. I had to cope with how easy he made it look to look okay without me. I had to cope with watching him go to prom with another girl, while I went solo (I looked good enough to make up for two people anyway). I had to cope with what people had to say. I even had to cope with what people told me he said. I had to learn to deal and trust that God knows what he's doing. And that's what this journey taught me and is currently teaching me. No one has to know what I know in order for me to feel comforted. Sometimes it's okay to be alone in certain situations because you have no one else's words to depend on except for God's.

Lastly, putting effort into a relationship is always a good thing, but only when both parties are putting in the same amount of effort. It becomes draining when it's only one party, and I would say that it becomes chasing when you find yourself the only one doing it. Before the break up I was doing all the chasing. As drained as I was, I constantly kept putting him before myself. But even when all the energy got sucked out of me, I loved him, and I was willing to scrap up whatever I had left in me to show him that.

Truth is...I didn't love myself enough. If I had, I would have made myself let him go, just like he made himself let me go. For that, I give him kudos. He loved me enough to let me go because he knew he was hurting me. And I'm mad at myself because why couldn't I love myself enough to make that decision? Or even just say thank you, instead of chasing after him? He made a selfless act and for that I guess he is a "good" guy. 

All in all, I'm going to make today a different anniversary. Today will no longer be the day that I lost my heart, today is the day that I got my heart back. So from now on, I'll be celebrating that victory. My journey is not over, I still have things to deal with, but at least I can look back and say thank you, nameless. Thank you for seeing the worth I never saw in myself, and valuing it enough to let me go. 

But anyways, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME. 

Until Next Time. 

Missing the feeling...

I think I forgot what it feels like to care about someone and to have that same feeling reciprocated back to me. I miss it and I remember it feeling nice. To know that someone cares about you and thinks of you in the highest way. To know you're being thought about (hopefully) or just to have them look at you like...you're different. I don't have that anymore, and I don't know why it's lately making me feel...a little worthless. Like I know there's Jesus who thinks of me like that but...I guess there shouldn't be a "but" to that. 

Welp, I guess this is just one of the emotional after effects. It's not even about missing nameless, but I'm just missing the way he thought of me. Although I should never look for that solely in one person especially a guy. It's just...nice. Being the person that someone cares about is nice. 

Until next time.