I published a short story...?

Yeah, I'm a blogger and I randomly came out with a fiction short story that has nothing to do with heart break. BUT it has everything to do with a struggle that a lot of people can probably relate to which is (drum roll) self-esteem! Based off of my own experience with self-esteem, I wrote this in my junior year of high school, and yes, I just now decided to put it out there. So check it out if ya want.





Btw, I don't know if I'll be posting something this week, but if something hits me, it'll be right up.


Until next time.

Let me feel

It's safe to say that I've been through a lot of the motions that comes with heartbreak (I mean it's been a year). And every motion I've been through, I've experienced it deeply. I realized what would effectively get me out of those motions was talking to God about it, but that never took away from how I felt. So now I'm here, knowing exactly what to do in my current "motion," but this is how I'm feeling right now. I can talk to God all I want, I can cry, I can throw things, I can scream at nothing, but that still doesn't take away from how I feel. It just gives me a peace that everything is going to be okay (as it should). In other words, if I feel like I hate Nameless right now, then okay. Does it mean that I actually do? Well, (outside of this current mindset I'm in) no it doesn't. So the thing is that feeling is okay. I don't think I can stress the importance of feeling enough. I think you need it to actually really heal in the end. If I didn't go through any of those other motions: shame, feeling worthless, etc, I don't think I'd be in this position. I had to go through those feelings, to be able to address them to God (even if it took me a while), so that I could know how to move forward from them. I think that confronting your emotions, and knowing how you feel, being aware of it, keeps you from going insane even if you feel insane at the moment. God gave us feelings, and emotions for a reason. We are supposed to feel these things.

The title of my blog even says it all; Tales of a Broken Heart: Juggling with faith, trust, and hope in the midst of heartache. These are all things that I'm currently juggling. Instead of waiting until I get out of it, I'm writing about it now, so that people can easily connect to it when they're juggling with the same things. It's no help when someone has already been through it, and they're telling you what worked for them and that this will work for you, because it doesn't always work that way. Oh, and the worse thing is when they've never been through it, so they think they can tell you how to go through it (know-it-alls).

So yes, you're allowed to be in the funk that you're in, just know how to get out of it. If you're feeling a certain way, don't, and I repeat, do not, let any human being who has emotions just like you, tell you what you should do to get out of it. You have to learn on your own. Because it's not that easy! You know how you feel, and God knows how you feel, that's all that matters.

So in response to the people telling me what I should do:

Let me feel the way I'm feeling right now. I've been through enough of these motions to know what to do at this point. I've cried out to God, yada yada, I've done it all. This is just another motion that I need to learn how to deal with.


Until next time.

What wins: Hate or Love?

 I've never hated someone as much as I hate that stupid crap-head (new name). I've actually never hated at all, so this is a first. Why do I hate him so much? Because I hate that I'm writing this. I hate that he's why I even made this blog. I hate that I feel like I'm in some ditch while he looks like he's living the life. I hate that he did this to me and didn't even give an explanation. I hate how great of a facade he can put on. I hate how well he carries himself so that no one would ever suspect he'd do something so hurtful. I hate how he just kicked me to the curb in an instant, as if I never meant anything to him, as if the years prior were just a fluke, and the fact that he can still keep me at the curb; UGH. Like how can someone do that to someone they supposedly care about so much? That literally boggles my mind. I just hate how easily he's doing this. I hate that I don't know why. I hate that I'm still feeling. And what I hate most of all is that no matter how much I say I hate him, and despite what he put me through, I can still love him. How is that even possible, when I really, really, really, really, a million times really, don't want to love this guy anymore? He doesn't deserve that! He deserves a good kick in his privates.

This does not mean that love wins. No. Now I know as a follower of Jesus I shouldn't technically "hate," but I need something to keep me going. I need something that will make my heart hard enough so that I don't look back. So hate has to win.


Until next time.

A Reminder

To be able to feel whatever you're feeling, and not let it take over you is a skill. One that I'm still mastering. After the breakup, as time went on, I felt like people were expecting me to be over it, just like that. So I only portrayed what people were expecting by letting them see what I wanted them to see; so that I wouldn't look pathetic in their eyes for feeling the way I really felt. I think that still exists today. I think people are expecting me to be over it and to come to some great realization that nameless is a stupid idiot (which they're not wrong), but it's not about that. It's about how I feel. It's about how long it takes me to actually heal. Not how long it takes to get myself together when I'm around people because they expect me to just be over it.  I gave every inch of my being to this guy, my heart, my trust, everything, and then he fooled me. I can't just get over that. It's not that easy. "It takes 10 times longer to put your self together than it does to fall apart" (Finnick from the Hunger Games). But it doesn't mean that I'm unhappy because in general I'm not unhappy. I was happy before he came into my life, he just added on to my happiness. Now that he's not in my life anymore, there's just an unhappy spot where he used to be (hope that makes sense).

So, a reminder to all of you who are hurt and have been hurt for some time: Don't be embarrassed by the fact that what people are expecting from you is something you aren't able to give them.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to not want anyone around you. It's okay to feel, and it's okay to heal at your own pace.

No one will understand what you're going through. But it's okay because they don't need to understand, they just need to shut up.

Joke's on me

It's interesting to see how angry a person can become, and how much that anger can grow, no matter how long ago something has happened to them. I didn't realize this was me until about 2 minutes ago, when uncontrollable tears started running down my face. Maybe what I'm about to say is just out of anger, or maybe my heart has turned cold, but right now I believe in one thing and one thing only; 3 years with nameless was a joke and a waste of my time. For 3 years, that load of crap has fed me promise after promise about having a life together and about how much he loved me, and for 3 years I believed it. I held on to it because I truly believed he meant it, and that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. And in our last year together, he told me that nothing could change how much he loved me not even time, "I can't wait to grow up together," he said. In my opinion that doesn't sound like someone who saw our break up coming for a while. I'm not saying we didn't need time apart to grow because we did, but when he's telling other people that he broke up with me because we were arguing a lot, and "it was coming for a while", and when he's not telling me jack squat....it makes me wonder if anything he ever said to me was true. I'm just going to assume THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE. At this point I don't freaking care if he's just putting on a facade. Someone shouldn't just say things like that to keep up their act. And this lets me know that he cares more about what he looks like and less about how much it's hurting me. Which proves even more that him loving me was a joke, and me loving him was a waste of my time. This anger is not just coming from what he did to me, but I'm also angry at myself for believing him so wholeheartedly that it was enough to be able to cause me this much pain in the end. I actually wouldn't be surprised if his facade were true and he actually really did come out of this unhurt and unfazed; at least then I'd feel better knowing he was just a joke after all.

Congratulations Nameless, the joke is on me. 

P.S. For those of you wondering if he ever got in contact with me after we met up, take a guess (no).