Take it away

You ever just feel like you're in a ditch that you can't easily jump out of? I've been feeling like that everyday. Every time I make a stupid decision, and it has been a lot of times, it's like I'm digging myself in deeper. And it all links back to my heartbreak. Of course, I'm always thinking back to the past, and thinking about what happened, what I could have done, why isn't he here, yada, yada, etc. So, one day, someone told me that I should just give it all over to God, and I'm sitting here thinking....but that's what I thought I did though...? So, I guess I wasn't doing it right. Anyway, I figured if God wants me to give it all to him and let it go, if he wants to take it away..,then what do I do? So, I said, "Ok God, I'll give it you." So I gave this whole confusing situation to God, and I ran and dug myself a ditch. 

But I think that I made another mistake here. Scratch that. I know I made another mistake. The whole point of giving God a situation isn't just to let him take it while you run and do your own thing in the meantime. You still have to listen to him and actually talk to him. I haven't been listening, and I've been silent. It's just that lately, I feel that I have no words. I feel kind of unworthy. 

But Jesus still wants me. Even though he has the problem now, he still wants to listen to what I have to say. He still wants every tear drop that has been pushing to come out, but I've been so stupid. I've been holding on to this pain for so long. I've been wearing it as if it were my own skin. I've just adapted to it and I don't know how to let him take that away. I'm not sure if I even want him to. Having the pain that Nameless caused me is like having a piece of Nameless himself. This pain is all I have left of him, and if I let it go then I let him go, and I don't feel ready to do that. 

Yeah, stupid. I know. But this is what heartbreak does. If you haven't been through it, G-R-E-A-T. Don't fall in love (no just kidding). 

No matter what you've been through, pain is pain. It hurts...a lot, and it can cause you to do some stupid things. But nothing is worth making the pain go away if it's only temporary. 

Until next time.