Out of Sight, Still in Mind

This title has been quietly sitting in my drafts for weeks. Meanwhile, my mind is the exact definition of this title, so I have no idea why it's been in my drafts for so long. "Out of sight, still in mind" is exactly what has been happening since graduation, the last time I saw nameless. You would think it's a lot easier to not cry, to not be depressed, to basically move on if I didn't have to see his face all the time. But that's just it, I do see his face all the time, in my head, in my dreams. You'd think sleep would be the perfect escape, but no, it makes it harder because I wake up, and that nice long hug that he gave me, that nice talk we had, his explanations and reassurances, they all never happened.
Part of me has hope, part of me wants to give up, all me trusts God, but none of me wants to sit around and wait for my "dreams to come true" or to see if they ever will. Now, even though that "out of sight, out of mind" cliche doesn't apply to me, I do have to say that it gets easier. What makes it easier is not that I'm getting over it, or that the pain is subsiding, no, because it hurts as if it were still a fresh wound, what really makes it easier is that I'm adapting to the pain. It's a lot easier for me to hide my sadness, to hide the pain that I'm feeling because I learned how to (cliche alert) dance in the rain. All thanks to the Big Man upstairs because I don't think I'd do this well if it weren't for him.
Anyway, I learned how to put on a happy face, be the silly person I was before all of this happened, while crying and expressing my hurt/frustrations to God behind closed doors. If I couldn't hold it in while I was in public, I did have friends who were there for me. Although for some, I had to stop showing my true feelings because I felt like they expected me to be over it just like that, but that is for another post. All in all I had to learn how to work my sadness, not let it work me. I'm a girl of major emotion, and when there's something wrong it's all over my face, and when you come up to me, depending on who you are, I'll burst out into tears (I've improved). By the way, when I say that I've learned to "work my sadness," I don't mean that I've been flaunting it around like a trophy, no. I mean that...hm...let's put it this way, it's like wearing underwear; it's there, it's on you, but no one can see it...unless you show it to them. Anyway, people may have different types of "easier," but that's how it has gotten easier for me.

Bob the relationship builder

I mentioned earlier that I had two losses that I wasn't prepared for. With these two losses came a very different side of me. I wasn't getting what I wanted, and I was angry. I was so used to always fixing a situation, and then having everything going back to the way it was right away. What happened between me and this guy was just another problem that I thought I could fix. I figured that if we could just talk about it like we always do, then things can be right again, but apparently talking wasn't an option. So, I was stuck. Completely stuck because I realized that I couldn't be Bob the relationship builder in this one. So, then of course I realized that the term "let go, and let God" had to be applied to this situation, and that was really hard to do because:

Number 1: I didn't want to wait because I was in pain.

Number 2: I was tired of seeing that guy treat me like I didn't exist because it was causing more pain.

Number 3: For the first time, I didn't know what the future looked like, and that hurt most of all.


I realized that God allowed this to happen so that I could finally turn to him, and surrender. So, that I could learn what it really means to trust him. God wanted me to have a blindfold on in this situation, so that I could take his hand, and let him lead. That doesn't mean that I haven't bumped into obstacles because I have, and that's because I listened to what was going on around me. Even though God had my hand, he didn't have my legs. I still let what other people said stop me dead in my tracks (I'll get to that later). Anyway, this blindfold thing is still on. I still have no idea what's going on, and I still have no idea what's going to happen. The only thing that I'm sure of is God's hand.

Two losses

There came a time when my emotions were at it's peak, like the very tip toppity top of the peak, and I felt like I was losing myself. I had no idea what it meant to really lose someone so important to me. I didn't know I could ever feel this way, that I could feel like something isn't right, something is missing. I would wake up every morning feeling this way, and I still do, I've just gotten used to it. The point is that I wasn't prepared for it, and that guy wasn't either, it was an unexpected turn for the both of us, but it was a choice that this same guy made because he thought he was doing it for my good. Yeah, I said it, my own good (what is he God or something?). He ripped himself out my life because he thought that it would be better for me. I didn't understand because there's no one who could be even better for me than this guy, and instead this guy gives himself a 1 star, packs his bag, walks away, and no matter how many times I tried to call out, he wouldn't look back. If you're thinking that if I love this guy, and if he was wrong, why don't I just tell him? Every time I tried, it only got worse, he became more closed in and just kept pushing me away. Guys are so stupid. They think that they have to be the macho man, and put their foot down when they think they're right. But it's like they don't get it through their thick skulls that their "super-smart" decision is really just a super stupid decision conjured up from their own insecurities, and is only going to do more damage than good.

From the outside looking in, this guy would probably be classified as a jerk. It makes sense, any guy who breaks a girl's heart for no good reason is automatically classified as a jerk. But that's not the point of this blog, I'm not trying to make this guy look like a horrible dude, because he wasn't. Did he make a jerk-move? Yup. Is he being a jerk? Yup. But is he actually a jerk? Not at all. I don't know where his thought process went, and how it led him to do what he did, but I do know that he always had my back. This guy wasn't only my boyfriend, but he was the very best friend that I could ever ask for. So, I had two losses that I wasn't prepared for: my boyfriend, and my best friend. 

It's time

The title of this blog is exactly what this blog is going to be about: tales spoken from a broken heart, my broken heart. I've spent so many months, 7 months to be exact, wallowing in my own depression from being hurt so badly and not knowing why what happened actually happened or how I could fix it. I've spent 7 months in confusion, in anger, in pain, in numbness, and coming back from it all just the same: broken. For the past 7 months I've just been broken, picking up pieces of myself as I went along the last 5 months of high school and then some. Having a ever so growing faith in Jesus, the only thing that made sense was to take my broken pieces and hand it all over to him, so I did. Getting tired of talking to myself, and other people, I decided to talk to him. I figured since he's God, he can give me some answers. I said, "Lord, what's going on here? What the heck happened?" and you know what he said? He said, "Let me make it right." OK. I can do that, you're God, if I can't fix it, then you can.

So I waited, and I waited. Senior year went by, and it wasn't getting any better, things didn't seem like they were getting made "right". The guy (I'll make him more important later) that broke my heart was still acting like I murdered his family, and wouldn't even look my way. What the heck was God making right? By the time graduation came along I thought things would have gotten better, or I thought that at least it would have been the day things were going to start getting better, but no. So, I waited some more. And when I say "wait", I don't mean that just sat waiting for God to hand me a note saying, "I've made things right, now go get your boy." No, I prayed, I read my bible, I focused on myself, while waiting for my prayers to get answered. One Sunday morning while church was still in session, this was about a week after graduation (a.k.a after nothing happened), I went out to the parking lot, went behind my mom's car, squatted (getting down on my knees would have meant getting my pants dirty), and I cried. Again, I asked, "God, what's going on?" I think I said that, if I didn't say that then I asked, "God, when will things get better?" Either way, his answer was,"Just wait."

So, that's what I've been doing. I've been trusting God, whatever he's planning for me, and honestly it's kind of sucky because I want answers, and I want that guy back in my life. I don't know what the outcome of trusting God looks like, I don't know what it feels like, I'm not on that side yet. Right now, I'm still hurting, and my heart has been crying out in so much pain. I'm always thinking about it, and talking to myself about it, and I've gotta say that it's pretty draining. Writing has always been an outlet that I haven't been taking enough advantage of as I should, and I find that when I get my thoughts out on something that it will stick on, it's like my mind is freed from playing ring around the rosy with them. So, with that being said, it's time to finally let it all out. It's time to finally tell the tales of my broken heart.