It's time

The title of this blog is exactly what this blog is going to be about: tales spoken from a broken heart, my broken heart. I've spent so many months, 7 months to be exact, wallowing in my own depression from being hurt so badly and not knowing why what happened actually happened or how I could fix it. I've spent 7 months in confusion, in anger, in pain, in numbness, and coming back from it all just the same: broken. For the past 7 months I've just been broken, picking up pieces of myself as I went along the last 5 months of high school and then some. Having a ever so growing faith in Jesus, the only thing that made sense was to take my broken pieces and hand it all over to him, so I did. Getting tired of talking to myself, and other people, I decided to talk to him. I figured since he's God, he can give me some answers. I said, "Lord, what's going on here? What the heck happened?" and you know what he said? He said, "Let me make it right." OK. I can do that, you're God, if I can't fix it, then you can.

So I waited, and I waited. Senior year went by, and it wasn't getting any better, things didn't seem like they were getting made "right". The guy (I'll make him more important later) that broke my heart was still acting like I murdered his family, and wouldn't even look my way. What the heck was God making right? By the time graduation came along I thought things would have gotten better, or I thought that at least it would have been the day things were going to start getting better, but no. So, I waited some more. And when I say "wait", I don't mean that just sat waiting for God to hand me a note saying, "I've made things right, now go get your boy." No, I prayed, I read my bible, I focused on myself, while waiting for my prayers to get answered. One Sunday morning while church was still in session, this was about a week after graduation (a.k.a after nothing happened), I went out to the parking lot, went behind my mom's car, squatted (getting down on my knees would have meant getting my pants dirty), and I cried. Again, I asked, "God, what's going on?" I think I said that, if I didn't say that then I asked, "God, when will things get better?" Either way, his answer was,"Just wait."

So, that's what I've been doing. I've been trusting God, whatever he's planning for me, and honestly it's kind of sucky because I want answers, and I want that guy back in my life. I don't know what the outcome of trusting God looks like, I don't know what it feels like, I'm not on that side yet. Right now, I'm still hurting, and my heart has been crying out in so much pain. I'm always thinking about it, and talking to myself about it, and I've gotta say that it's pretty draining. Writing has always been an outlet that I haven't been taking enough advantage of as I should, and I find that when I get my thoughts out on something that it will stick on, it's like my mind is freed from playing ring around the rosy with them. So, with that being said, it's time to finally let it all out. It's time to finally tell the tales of my broken heart.