Coping when there's no more cope left

Heartbreak is a pretty big deal for people. Why? Because we crave love. Whether it's romantic love, friendship love, or family love, we crave it. Not only do we crave it, but we we're made to love. I've never had anything take me for an unexpected loop the way heartbreak has. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do, and I could not see this far. All I could see was what was happening then, all I could feel was how I felt then, and it sucked. I had to learn how to cope, and I did, but as time went on I didn't think I could keep coping...I didn't have any more cope to cope with. The longer time went without nameless saying a word to me, the more I became confused and irritated (and it doesn't make it easier, now that we're away from each other). I was tired of "dealing".I couldn't stand seeing him treat me this way, and eventually I completely ran out of cope. I think I mentioned this in a last post, but I became numb, and who's my numbing medicine? Jesus.

I mentioned in one of my posts that Jesus is the reason I held on this long. It's true, and here's how. He numbs me to the pain, he's a permanent substitute for the spot my "cope" used to be. The thing is that he numbs me, yes, but sometimes I do feel the pain, and I end up back where I started, but only when I stop asking Jesus for his help. Actually, I guess you can say Jesus is stronger than numbing medicine, because this medicine doesn't wear off unless again, you stop asking for help. When you ask Jesus for his help, it's like you have so much peace. This time instead of feeling the pain, you know of the pain, and instead of actually feeling it, you just have a sense of peace about the situation. I think it's a wonderful thing that when you feel like you can't handle it anymore, all you have to do is turn to Jesus. Even though it's still good to turn to him, when you do feel like you can handle, but most people (me) will usually turn to him when they feel like they're about to go crazy (me). I will admit that it's not something I always take advantage of. It's not easy for me to get out of that place of hurt when I can't see the birds eye view of things, when I don't know that everything is going to be OK. Even if God is telling me, even if I have that knowing, if it doesn't physically look like anything is changing, it's hard for me to believe it.
I'm coming to you today in full honesty. Right now, I am in tears because I feel like I can't handle it.I love nameless with all of my heart, and not being able to see the big picture, if everything is going to be OK, if he's going to come around, hurts to an extent that I cannot explain. Not knowing if he even still cares about me, if  I'm the only one with the same feelings, if our relationship was all for nothing except to bring me pain in the end, if he's better off without me, all of these questions is what wore down my coping. So, the truth is I can't handle it. I stopped being able to handle it. That's why I drown myself with Netflix, and try to distract myself with other things like, music and dancing (which is a great distraction btw), but none of it lasts because there won't ever be a distraction greater than Jesus.

Hoping isn't a bad thing

I've been a bit busy lately, with packing for college and all, and with the big day approaching I can't help but feel a little sad. I'm just a little lovesick. See, when you love someone so much, it's really hard not to have any hope that they'll come around, but with hoping comes a price to pay; disappointment, and with disappointment comes sadness and yada, yada. The thing that is no matter how many times I've tried to hide it, or even convince myself that it's not there, I've been doing nothing but hoping. Hoping that maybe nameless will come around, today, tonight, tomorrow, sometime before I go off to college...maybe the blind shades will get slapped off one day, and he'll see what a stupid decision he made. And with each day that didn't happen, I wanted to give up on him completely, but what's really annoying is that I CAN'T.
No matter how much I want to hate him, give up on him, and stop caring completely, I can't. Truthfully, I don't want to hope anymore, why should I? I have nothing to hold on to but the memories of the past. But I'm still in love, and that's what's keeping me holding on. 
I'm saying all of this to say that I was ashamed of hoping. I mean, this guy hurt me so badly and I still believe in him? I still care about him as much as I did eight months ago? For what? He's treating me like I don't exist, and I'm pouring the chambers of my heart out. Please, what a waste of time. Give up already. But despite all of that, I couldn't give up.

Hope is not a bad thing, and it's not something you should be afraid or ashamed of having. Yeah, you'll get people telling you to give up, or "there's someone better", or some other discouraging stuff, but they don't get it. They won't get it, until they're in it, and even then they probably still won't get it because everyone's story is different. To the other broken hearted ladies out there: You're not pathetic, you're not crazy, or obsessed, you're just hurt, not to say that you can't ever get to that point of being obsessed because it's possible.
The thing with hoping is that it does have to be controlled, when you let it consume you, when it's all you think about, it can cause you to be pretty obsessive, and in turn make you do things that aren't cute at all. Hope is a desire, it's natural, so we shouldn't have to be ashamed of having it. So, if you want to hope, then hope don't let anyone make you feel stupid for that.

My Heart Speaks

I mentioned in my first post that everything I write on this blog is going to be coming straight from my heart (hence the title), and it has. It's just that....do you ever get this feeling that no matter what you say, or how many ways/times you say it, it's still not exactly what you want to say or there's something else you need to say, you just don't know what? That's what I'm feeling. Usually when I'm feeling this way, I just write a poem. So, I'm just going to go off a limb here and write, because I feel like it's been most of my mind doing the talking instead of my heart. Alright, here we go:

My Heart Speaks

I don't know what it is
I don't know why
I have so many emotions scratching from inside
This pit filled with pain has gotten a lot deeper
And it's so heavy that I've become too numb to feel it
But the tears keep coming for a reason
They don't stop
And I wonder if that's what I'm filled with
If my pain is formed into tears that fill me like a tub
While torment soaks inside
bathing me with confusion
Dimming my bright light
Making it hard for me to see clearly
Except the movie screen my mind portrays
Replaying the day he shattered our dreams
With empty seats that promises should have filled
"I thought of your best interest"
I hear him say it
Over and over again
Confusion takes me to a track field
Making me run in circles
Lap by lap
I get more tired and more confused
Always ending up back where I started
Unable to find the right words for the question welling so deeply inside me
I finally come up with one
If it's my best interest he has in mind, then why am I being treated as if I'm the one unworthy?

Eight months going strong and sane

August 12th, which was yesterday, marked eight months of nameless and I being apart. Yes, in honor of our eight month break-up anniversary I could have written this yesterday, but I didn't feel like it. This is the longest that we've ever gone being apart, and I have to give a round of applause to myself for staying this sane (clap, clap). Eight months going strong and sane, and I have to give all of the credit to Jesus, because it was not a smooth ride.
Even if it was a month, a week, or whatever, that's still something to celebrate. Why? Because it doesn't matter how much pain you're in, if you go weak in the knees when you see him, how badly you lose focus when he walks by you, no. What matters is that you are still standing, and that you are continuing to push through the pain. Meaning that you are not harming yourself, not looking pitiful to draw attention, and not showing him you're phased by it. You can be in a much pain as you want, but as long as you look strong on the outside, you'll be succeeding more than you know because you'll have everyone fooled even him. Nameless has a certain way of dealing with things; he won't show how it really affects him, and that's what I had to go through in high school. I had to watch him act like he didn't give a freaking crap about me, and it hurt like heck because I knew him so well that I knew exactly what he was doing, I knew how he really felt, and he knew that I knew that. Which is why he went to great lengths to make his act look as real as possible. Of course no one else saw past it but me, so I had to carry that burden. Although there was one level-headed person who didn't fall for it, and believed me even when I didn't believe myself, and I'm so grateful for her. Anyway, It took me a while, but I figured that if he can act like he's not phased, then why shouldn't I? He looked like he was doing a lot better than I was, and I got really tired of it, but that's what he wanted me to see. Haha (lightbulb), so I joined him in the game, why let him play alone? Where I am now, is definitely not where I was eight months ago, but I sure did fake it till I made it here, and I've gotten so good at it.

Like it was yesterday

Sometimes I can't help reliving my last moments of interaction with this guy. Wait. "This guy" needs a name. How about...nameless. His name will be nameless because I'm not going to name him.  Anyway, in each of those moments that I do relive, I think of what I could have said to maybe convince him that he was wrong, that he was making a big mistake. I replay the whole scene but in each scene I say something different, something more heartfelt. I do this because Sometimes, I'll think of what really happened, what I really said, and I wonder if maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe I needed to be more convincing. I relive each moment like it was yesterday, and the feelings that come back are so fresh that it feels like it only happened a few hours ago. I sure do cry like it happened a few hours ago (yes I still cry). 

But no matter how many different ways that I play out the scenes in my head, it won't change what really happened. Being stuck between reality, and imagination is what's keeping me in this place of "would've, should've, could've", and it's a hard place to get out of. 

If you love her, then fight the good fight

You know what I don't get about guys? They think they know everything. They think that their way is the only right way to do things. Our decisions (ladies) isn't taken as seriously as their decisions. They think that they're thinking logicially when really they're thinking stupidly. Ok, so let me backtrack a little. Let's say a guy loves you, like really loves you. He does some things that hurts you, like stupid immature things, but because you love him, you forgive him and move on. So, this guy who's completely in love with you sees that his actions are hurting you. So instead of changing his actions, he completely backs out because he "loves you so much", he doesn't want to keep hurting you.
Ok, lets just pause right there. Isn't love something you have to keep fighting for? It's evident that relationships aren't perfect, but guess what? They're not supposed to be, and that's the beauty of it. One day I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy was talking to her friend Willow about her past relationship, and she said something that really hit home. She said, "I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.", and I completely agree with her. It's literally everything that I'm trying to say here in a nutshell.
Back to the scenario, so the guy loves you so much that he doesn't want to keep hurting you, and it's very mature of him to realize what he's doing, but why back out now? He's already in this deep, so keep going. The whole point of realizing your mistakes is to FIX them, to CHANGE what you're doing not to just sweep them under your bed, and never look at them again. No, to the guys, take those mistakes throw them in the trash can, take that bag of trash out, and put a fresh trash bag in that trash can. In other words, don't back out, start fresh. If you love someone, really love them, then fight the good fight because all we want (ladies) is to feel like we're worth fighting for.