Sunday, August 30, 2015

Coping when there's no more cope left

Heartbreak is a pretty big deal for people. Why? Because we crave love. Whether it's romantic love, friendship love, or family love, we crave it. Not only do we crave it, but we we're made to love. I've never had anything take me for an unexpected loop the way heartbreak has. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do, and I could not see this far. All I could see was what was happening then, all I could feel was how I felt then, and it sucked. I had to learn how to cope, and I did, but as time went on I didn't think I could keep coping...I didn't have any more cope to cope with. The longer time went without nameless saying a word to me, the more I became confused and irritated (and it doesn't make it easier, now that we're away from each other). I was tired of "dealing".I couldn't stand seeing him treat me this way, and eventually I completely ran out of cope. I think I mentioned this in a last post, but I became numb, and who's my numbing medicine? Jesus.

I mentioned in one of my posts that Jesus is the reason I held on this long. It's true, and here's how. He numbs me to the pain, he's a permanent substitute for the spot my "cope" used to be. The thing is that he numbs me, yes, but sometimes I do feel the pain, and I end up back where I started, but only when I stop asking Jesus for his help. Actually, I guess you can say Jesus is stronger than numbing medicine, because this medicine doesn't wear off unless again, you stop asking for help. When you ask Jesus for his help, it's like you have so much peace. This time instead of feeling the pain, you know of the pain, and instead of actually feeling it, you just have a sense of peace about the situation. I think it's a wonderful thing that when you feel like you can't handle it anymore, all you have to do is turn to Jesus. Even though it's still good to turn to him, when you do feel like you can handle, but most people (me) will usually turn to him when they feel like they're about to go crazy (me). I will admit that it's not something I always take advantage of. It's not easy for me to get out of that place of hurt when I can't see the birds eye view of things, when I don't know that everything is going to be OK. Even if God is telling me, even if I have that knowing, if it doesn't physically look like anything is changing, it's hard for me to believe it.
I'm coming to you today in full honesty. Right now, I am in tears because I feel like I can't handle it.I love nameless with all of my heart, and not being able to see the big picture, if everything is going to be OK, if he's going to come around, hurts to an extent that I cannot explain. Not knowing if he even still cares about me, if  I'm the only one with the same feelings, if our relationship was all for nothing except to bring me pain in the end, if he's better off without me, all of these questions is what wore down my coping. So, the truth is I can't handle it. I stopped being able to handle it. That's why I drown myself with Netflix, and try to distract myself with other things like, music and dancing (which is a great distraction btw), but none of it lasts because there won't ever be a distraction greater than Jesus.

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