Today is the Day/ Thank you Nameless

2 years ago I was forced to cope with heartbreak. My biggest setback in this journey was listening to what people said, and reading into the things I saw. I had to watch nameless act like he didn't care, act like he had it all together, and on top of that I had to hear people tell me things like, "He doesn't want you." The picture he painted of himself of having the appearance of a good, upstanding guy made me sick (not gonna lie it still makes me sick). Because here I am broken because he hurt me and didn't look back. He tore me apart and no one saw that. No one actually knew the real story, they just knew the facade he put on. It tore me up how I had to go the rest of my senior year in high school watching him laugh and joke with other people. The type of people who only say happy birthday to him just because it's his birthday not because they know him (his words btw), while me, the one who was actually close to him, got the coldest stare if I had dared to approach him. But no one saw that look. No one heard him say "I want nothing to do with you." NO one saw the 360 degree flip that he pulled on me. No one saw how this "good" guy would sit around and ignore me, and not communicate. Or how he would walk away from me (speed walk), while I followed him like a DOG, pleading with him to talk to me. He wouldn't even look back when I stopped. No. No one saw the amount of effort I put into that relationship only to get HURT in the end. Only to feel STUPID and EMPTY in the end. But yet, this "good" guy gets the credit for breaking up with me. Oh how mature of him *eye roll.*

I say all that to say that I had to handle it. I had to cope with that automatic switch he did on me. I had to cope with how easy he made it look to look okay without me. I had to cope with watching him go to prom with another girl, while I went solo (I looked good enough to make up for two people anyway). I had to cope with what people had to say. I even had to cope with what people told me he said. I had to learn to deal and trust that God knows what he's doing. And that's what this journey taught me and is currently teaching me. No one has to know what I know in order for me to feel comforted. Sometimes it's okay to be alone in certain situations because you have no one else's words to depend on except for God's.

Lastly, putting effort into a relationship is always a good thing, but only when both parties are putting in the same amount of effort. It becomes draining when it's only one party, and I would say that it becomes chasing when you find yourself the only one doing it. Before the break up I was doing all the chasing. As drained as I was, I constantly kept putting him before myself. But even when all the energy got sucked out of me, I loved him, and I was willing to scrap up whatever I had left in me to show him that.

Truth is...I didn't love myself enough. If I had, I would have made myself let him go, just like he made himself let me go. For that, I give him kudos. He loved me enough to let me go because he knew he was hurting me. And I'm mad at myself because why couldn't I love myself enough to make that decision? Or even just say thank you, instead of chasing after him? He made a selfless act and for that I guess he is a "good" guy. 

All in all, I'm going to make today a different anniversary. Today will no longer be the day that I lost my heart, today is the day that I got my heart back. So from now on, I'll be celebrating that victory. My journey is not over, I still have things to deal with, but at least I can look back and say thank you, nameless. Thank you for seeing the worth I never saw in myself, and valuing it enough to let me go. 

But anyways, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME. 

Until Next Time. 

Missing the feeling...

I think I forgot what it feels like to care about someone and to have that same feeling reciprocated back to me. I miss it and I remember it feeling nice. To know that someone cares about you and thinks of you in the highest way. To know you're being thought about (hopefully) or just to have them look at you like...you're different. I don't have that anymore, and I don't know why it's lately making me feel...a little worthless. Like I know there's Jesus who thinks of me like that but...I guess there shouldn't be a "but" to that. 

Welp, I guess this is just one of the emotional after effects. It's not even about missing nameless, but I'm just missing the way he thought of me. Although I should never look for that solely in one person especially a guy. It's just...nice. Being the person that someone cares about is nice. 

Until next time. 

A new path

It's been a while, I know. I didn't intend on going this long without writing, I've been busy and its been a struggle trying to make the time to do so. Anyway, in my last post I talked about how I've let go of the situation, but now what? What comes after letting go? Well, that's what I'm currently trying to figure out. I'm not finished climbing this mountain, I know that, but I took a step. Matter of fact I took a huge leap. But I'm not at the top yet. I do know that the decision to let go put me on a new path. It's like taking the same path you take home everyday. You expect the scenery to be the same because you're used to it. But then you decide to take a different way home. You make a turn you never made before. You don't know where it's going to take you, or what you're going to see, but you decide to try something new. This is what letting go is like for me. I don't know what the heck to expect out of this, and I'm not going to expect anything. I'm going to see where Jesus takes me, because I know this journey is not over.




Until Next Time.

Holding on, but letting go

So, yes. I took a long break and I'm sorry, but I needed the time. Lately it's been on my mind to write this post, but I kept getting sidetracked. In my last post, I questioned if I needed to stop loving nameless in order to completely heal. I used to be afraid of the term "moving on." I thought it meant to just forget about nameless, like he never happened. So, having that in mind made me afraid to actually let go. I thought that if I let him go in my mind, meaning to just let go of the situation, I thought I'd lose him in my heart. I realize now that that doesn't have to be the case. Letting go (in my case) doesn't mean to just forget about the person or the past. It means realizing that it's out of my control, it's in God's hands, and it will happen when and if it's meant to happen. So, the answer to the question of whether I have to stop loving nameless in order to heal is no. I can still hold on to the love that I have for him. In order to fully heal, I just have to truly let go of what happened...and I think I have.

PS: But don't get me wrong, I still remember everything. 

Until next time

Am I actually healing?

As you can see, the theme of this past month has been moving forward. I guess I'm really trying to wrap my head around this concept, and really learn what it means to actually move forward. Does it mean to just stop loving Nameless (You know, that's really what causes all this pain anyway. This undying love that I can't seem to put out for him)? How do I even really heal if I still love him? What is healing in my case? Do I know I'm healed if I'm not crying every time I think about the situation? If I feel peace, instead of old emotions?
I think the big question is: Does all this talk about moving forward mean that I'm in the healing process? I don't know. I think what's really stopping me is the fact that I still love him, like I said. It would be so much easier if I could just stop. Oh my God. That's the freaking problem isn't it? What the heck, man. I guess I was trying to trick myself out of thinking that this whole time, that I completely ignored the fact that my love for him still existed. But now the other big question is: Do I have to stop loving him in order to heal?



Hmm...I'll have to think about that for a while.



Until Next Time.

Dear readers...

I know I took a little break, and I missed the blog's anniversary (which was like 5 days ago). But here's a late thank you to all who have been reading my blog for this past year. I really hope I've helped you in some way. Even if you haven't been through heartbreak, I hope I've given you insight so that you can understand whenever you encounter someone who has. Either way, thank you all again. It's because of you that I'm renewing my domain. The fact that I have people who see this, and who I could be potentially helping in some way, motivates me to keep writing.



I look forward to posting more in the time to come.


With Love,

                       TJM

The mountain

 I feel like I'm climbing this really steep mountain. While I’m walking up this mountain, I can feel my legs burn and my body start to ache. The bitter wind is blowing hard at my face, and sometimes it gets hard to see. But I don't stop because I can almost see the top of that mountain. I can almost see the sun shining right on top of it, and I can imagine how warm it must be up there. So, I keep climbing. Even though my body is in pain, even though the wind is really cold...when I see the top of that mountain, and how promising it looks, it motivates me to keep moving. 

I think this is the best way I can explain what stage I'm in right now. The mountain is obviously my hardship. The climb to the top of the mountain is how I feel going up there. I'm tired, I'm in pain, but I'm not stopping. And I know that once I get to the top, it will all be over.

I say all that to say that I'm not staying in this same place of hurt, in fact, I refuse to. It's just that no matter how much I keep pushing and keep moving forward, the fact is that I'm still going to feel the pain. Moving forward doesn't take away my memories or how I feel, it just allows me not to dwell in them. 

This brings me to another point that when it comes to moving forward, don't let people make you feel like you have to be at a certain point in your journey of healing. For example, for me, I think some people think that I shouldn't be hurt or thinking about Nameless at this point. But it's like the fact that it still happened means nothing. The fact that I entrusted my heart to someone, who just up and left me high and dry, and hasn't done or said anything for over a year now, still happened. All of the promises he made, and the sweet things he said still happened, and all of the hurtful things he said to push me away still happened. 

Years of having a life with him being in it doesn't compare to this year and a half of life without him in it. So excuse me that I can't just automatically stop hurting. Like I said, people who haven't been through it, won't understand. So, don't let other people's expectations, put another weight on you. This isn't their climb, it's yours.



Until next time.

Bringing me back

Living is harder than I thought. There are things that obviously still take me back to the past, and get me thinking, and then I get mad, and start thinking some more...yeah you get the point. The thing is that it's not easy to just put those things aside, no matter how many times I tell myself that I don't want to think about it. And it hasn't gotten easier for me, I've just developed different ways of handling it (some ways being better than others).

Anyway, this brings me to the point of my emotional state. Exterior wise, I'm good. I know how to let on something I'm not, as I mentioned in a post a while back. Inside, however, my tolerance level is low. Super low, in fact, it might as well be non-existent. So when certain things trigger a thought or a memory, one thing leads to another, and I need an escape. I want out, because I can't take it.

The fact of the matter is that no matter how much I "live" and move forward...inside nothing has really changed. I'm still the person who got hurt and left hanging. So does that mean there's no point in moving forward? No. I'm not just going to go sit and wait for craphead to come back around, and clear everything up. He'd have to work a lot harder than that anyway. But there is a point in moving forward. The reason I can still go about my day, and laugh, and have fun is because I'm moving. To me, the important word here isn't forward, it's moving. There's, of course, going to be something that brings you back, and it's going to still hurt, but when you continue to move away from it, instead of giving up and staying there, that just shows how much strength you've gained. So yes, moving forward sucks butt, but at least I'm still moving. 

Until Next Time. 

Avoiding the pit

To have even the slightest bit of freedom is pure bliss. Freedom from what exactly? I'm going to try to explain it as best as I can. I think I mentioned, a while back, constantly falling into a pit, feeling the same way over and over again (if I didn't mention it, I'm mentioning it now). When I have something to distract myself with I'm able to tip toe around that pit for the time being or walk past it without looking down at it. With that whole analogy, I say that to say this: even though nothing and no one can actually fill that void, there are still things that can help me (temporarily) forget that it's there.

 For me at least, since I have no answers to finally confront it, all I want to do is avoid it. All I want to do is forget, and give my mind some sort of relief, even if it's only for a little bit. I have to say that keeping myself busy, getting out and doing things, actually helps me. So I guess I'm avoiding this void by...living. I'm not saying the pain isn't there, it is, but I've been able to push it aside. There's just no sense in continuing to question everything craphead did, when I'm obviously not going to get the answers right now. So in the meantime, I'll just be.


Until next time. 

I published a short story...?

Yeah, I'm a blogger and I randomly came out with a fiction short story that has nothing to do with heart break. BUT it has everything to do with a struggle that a lot of people can probably relate to which is (drum roll) self-esteem! Based off of my own experience with self-esteem, I wrote this in my junior year of high school, and yes, I just now decided to put it out there. So check it out if ya want.





Btw, I don't know if I'll be posting something this week, but if something hits me, it'll be right up.


Until next time.

Let me feel

It's safe to say that I've been through a lot of the motions that comes with heartbreak (I mean it's been a year). And every motion I've been through, I've experienced it deeply. I realized what would effectively get me out of those motions was talking to God about it, but that never took away from how I felt. So now I'm here, knowing exactly what to do in my current "motion," but this is how I'm feeling right now. I can talk to God all I want, I can cry, I can throw things, I can scream at nothing, but that still doesn't take away from how I feel. It just gives me a peace that everything is going to be okay (as it should). In other words, if I feel like I hate Nameless right now, then okay. Does it mean that I actually do? Well, (outside of this current mindset I'm in) no it doesn't. So the thing is that feeling is okay. I don't think I can stress the importance of feeling enough. I think you need it to actually really heal in the end. If I didn't go through any of those other motions: shame, feeling worthless, etc, I don't think I'd be in this position. I had to go through those feelings, to be able to address them to God (even if it took me a while), so that I could know how to move forward from them. I think that confronting your emotions, and knowing how you feel, being aware of it, keeps you from going insane even if you feel insane at the moment. God gave us feelings, and emotions for a reason. We are supposed to feel these things.

The title of my blog even says it all; Tales of a Broken Heart: Juggling with faith, trust, and hope in the midst of heartache. These are all things that I'm currently juggling. Instead of waiting until I get out of it, I'm writing about it now, so that people can easily connect to it when they're juggling with the same things. It's no help when someone has already been through it, and they're telling you what worked for them and that this will work for you, because it doesn't always work that way. Oh, and the worse thing is when they've never been through it, so they think they can tell you how to go through it (know-it-alls).

So yes, you're allowed to be in the funk that you're in, just know how to get out of it. If you're feeling a certain way, don't, and I repeat, do not, let any human being who has emotions just like you, tell you what you should do to get out of it. You have to learn on your own. Because it's not that easy! You know how you feel, and God knows how you feel, that's all that matters.

So in response to the people telling me what I should do:

Let me feel the way I'm feeling right now. I've been through enough of these motions to know what to do at this point. I've cried out to God, yada yada, I've done it all. This is just another motion that I need to learn how to deal with.


Until next time.

What wins: Hate or Love?

 I've never hated someone as much as I hate that stupid crap-head (new name). I've actually never hated at all, so this is a first. Why do I hate him so much? Because I hate that I'm writing this. I hate that he's why I even made this blog. I hate that I feel like I'm in some ditch while he looks like he's living the life. I hate that he did this to me and didn't even give an explanation. I hate how great of a facade he can put on. I hate how well he carries himself so that no one would ever suspect he'd do something so hurtful. I hate how he just kicked me to the curb in an instant, as if I never meant anything to him, as if the years prior were just a fluke, and the fact that he can still keep me at the curb; UGH. Like how can someone do that to someone they supposedly care about so much? That literally boggles my mind. I just hate how easily he's doing this. I hate that I don't know why. I hate that I'm still feeling. And what I hate most of all is that no matter how much I say I hate him, and despite what he put me through, I can still love him. How is that even possible, when I really, really, really, really, a million times really, don't want to love this guy anymore? He doesn't deserve that! He deserves a good kick in his privates.

This does not mean that love wins. No. Now I know as a follower of Jesus I shouldn't technically "hate," but I need something to keep me going. I need something that will make my heart hard enough so that I don't look back. So hate has to win.


Until next time.

A Reminder

To be able to feel whatever you're feeling, and not let it take over you is a skill. One that I'm still mastering. After the breakup, as time went on, I felt like people were expecting me to be over it, just like that. So I only portrayed what people were expecting by letting them see what I wanted them to see; so that I wouldn't look pathetic in their eyes for feeling the way I really felt. I think that still exists today. I think people are expecting me to be over it and to come to some great realization that nameless is a stupid idiot (which they're not wrong), but it's not about that. It's about how I feel. It's about how long it takes me to actually heal. Not how long it takes to get myself together when I'm around people because they expect me to just be over it.  I gave every inch of my being to this guy, my heart, my trust, everything, and then he fooled me. I can't just get over that. It's not that easy. "It takes 10 times longer to put your self together than it does to fall apart" (Finnick from the Hunger Games). But it doesn't mean that I'm unhappy because in general I'm not unhappy. I was happy before he came into my life, he just added on to my happiness. Now that he's not in my life anymore, there's just an unhappy spot where he used to be (hope that makes sense).

So, a reminder to all of you who are hurt and have been hurt for some time: Don't be embarrassed by the fact that what people are expecting from you is something you aren't able to give them.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to not want anyone around you. It's okay to feel, and it's okay to heal at your own pace.

No one will understand what you're going through. But it's okay because they don't need to understand, they just need to shut up.

Joke's on me

It's interesting to see how angry a person can become, and how much that anger can grow, no matter how long ago something has happened to them. I didn't realize this was me until about 2 minutes ago, when uncontrollable tears started running down my face. Maybe what I'm about to say is just out of anger, or maybe my heart has turned cold, but right now I believe in one thing and one thing only; 3 years with nameless was a joke and a waste of my time. For 3 years, that load of crap has fed me promise after promise about having a life together and about how much he loved me, and for 3 years I believed it. I held on to it because I truly believed he meant it, and that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. And in our last year together, he told me that nothing could change how much he loved me not even time, "I can't wait to grow up together," he said. In my opinion that doesn't sound like someone who saw our break up coming for a while. I'm not saying we didn't need time apart to grow because we did, but when he's telling other people that he broke up with me because we were arguing a lot, and "it was coming for a while", and when he's not telling me jack squat....it makes me wonder if anything he ever said to me was true. I'm just going to assume THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE. At this point I don't freaking care if he's just putting on a facade. Someone shouldn't just say things like that to keep up their act. And this lets me know that he cares more about what he looks like and less about how much it's hurting me. Which proves even more that him loving me was a joke, and me loving him was a waste of my time. This anger is not just coming from what he did to me, but I'm also angry at myself for believing him so wholeheartedly that it was enough to be able to cause me this much pain in the end. I actually wouldn't be surprised if his facade were true and he actually really did come out of this unhurt and unfazed; at least then I'd feel better knowing he was just a joke after all.

Congratulations Nameless, the joke is on me. 

P.S. For those of you wondering if he ever got in contact with me after we met up, take a guess (no). 

The past is in the past...right?

Okay so I'm trying to keep a neutral viewpoint on this situation. Nameless and I are now friends...or "friends"...?


There's so much that I want to question, but because I'm trying be neutral, and trying to act like it's no big deal anymore, I can't just rehash everything right now. I'd probably scare him away. He mentioned how he had no hard feelings, and that the "past was in the past." As if it wasn't a big deal. What bothers me is that IT IS A BIG DEAL. I've been through too much and come to far because of this situation for it not to be a big deal.

And he's basically telling me that he went to great lengths to cut me out of his life for whatever reason, and magically got over that? He didn't make any type of move to contact me for a year, but now all of a sudden it's "The past is in the past, I'm fine with being friends...?" No. Part of me...a lot of me doesn't buy it.

I believe that he probably really does want to be friends, he was probably just waiting for an opportunity. I just don't think we can move forward, or even I personally, can move forward as friends without going back to the past. I like to communicate, if I don't get out what I need to get out, I'm literally your worse nightmare. No, just kidding, but you get the point. If this friendship continues, eventually we'll have to face the past. I, personally, won't let it progress until we do. But at the same time, I'm going to be patient and let everything come out in it's own timing.

Take His Word

I'm so sorry it took me this long to publish a new post.

The hardest thing for me to do was to give God this whole situation with me and Nameless. I mentioned in an earlier post that part of me didn't want to let go of the pain because it was the only thing I had left of Nameless. I didn't know how to let go and move forward. But I did, and by doing so I kind of moved away from God also.

 I just felt like by dealing with God, I'd have to deal with the situation, but I was trying to move past the situation. By "moving past" I mean just locking it up and never looking at it again. I tried living as if me and Nameless never happened. As if I were a woman with a fresh heart that's never been taken. Of course it lasted until Nameless himself popped up and ruined that whole facade. Yes. Nameless is kind of sort of back.

It happened unexpectedly for the both of us actually. His openness to friendship definitely took me by surprise. He wasn't the guy who looked at me in the coldest way, the tone is his voice wasn't menacing...it was strange.It's strange because I remember clear as day how he was the exact opposite towards me a was a year ago and to see him now. To see him look at me the way he used to look at me, to see the smirk on his face that would pop up every so often, how he just sat there and listened to me...it all took me by surprise. Like what the heck changed? I mean I know I've been praying for him, but I didn't expect him to be a different person for like another 5 years. No, I'm joking. I didn't know what to expect.

But I remember God saying to me that he would make it right. This could actually be the start to what God said he was going to do, and he always keeps his word. But the problem right now is me. I'm scared and uncertain. I know there's a timing for everything, and God allowed this to happen right now for whatever reason that is. I'm pretty sure God is taking advantage of my uncertainty so I can learn to shut up, and just take his word.

Take it away

You ever just feel like you're in a ditch that you can't easily jump out of? I've been feeling like that everyday. Every time I make a stupid decision, and it has been a lot of times, it's like I'm digging myself in deeper. And it all links back to my heartbreak. Of course, I'm always thinking back to the past, and thinking about what happened, what I could have done, why isn't he here, yada, yada, etc. So, one day, someone told me that I should just give it all over to God, and I'm sitting here thinking....but that's what I thought I did though...? So, I guess I wasn't doing it right. Anyway, I figured if God wants me to give it all to him and let it go, if he wants to take it away..,then what do I do? So, I said, "Ok God, I'll give it you." So I gave this whole confusing situation to God, and I ran and dug myself a ditch. 

But I think that I made another mistake here. Scratch that. I know I made another mistake. The whole point of giving God a situation isn't just to let him take it while you run and do your own thing in the meantime. You still have to listen to him and actually talk to him. I haven't been listening, and I've been silent. It's just that lately, I feel that I have no words. I feel kind of unworthy. 

But Jesus still wants me. Even though he has the problem now, he still wants to listen to what I have to say. He still wants every tear drop that has been pushing to come out, but I've been so stupid. I've been holding on to this pain for so long. I've been wearing it as if it were my own skin. I've just adapted to it and I don't know how to let him take that away. I'm not sure if I even want him to. Having the pain that Nameless caused me is like having a piece of Nameless himself. This pain is all I have left of him, and if I let it go then I let him go, and I don't feel ready to do that. 

Yeah, stupid. I know. But this is what heartbreak does. If you haven't been through it, G-R-E-A-T. Don't fall in love (no just kidding). 

No matter what you've been through, pain is pain. It hurts...a lot, and it can cause you to do some stupid things. But nothing is worth making the pain go away if it's only temporary. 

Until next time.