All I want under the Christmas Tree

It's no secret that if I could wish for anyone to be under my Christmas tree it would be Nameless. I can't help wondering if someday I'll be surprised. Like maybe he'll show up on my door step, maybe I'll get a random text or a phone call. Sometimes I think of it happening the way it does in one of those romantic hallmark movies, but of course I snap out of it.

To be honest, I was not excited for this Christmas because I knew that the one person who I wished were by my side today, wouldn't be. Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, and something to look forward to, but to me it's just another salty reminder. The "present" Nameless left me last Christmas season was a cold shoulder and a big box of pain. So being full of the Christmas spirit has been kind of hard lately.

But whether or not Nameless shows up on my doorstep, or pops up from behind the Christmas tree one day the most important thing is that I have my happiness first because my happiness does not depend on him. Nameless was a big part of my happiness but he was not the source of it. Jesus is. And Jesus is the reason for Christmas anyway, so before I go on wishing for Nameless to be under my Christmas tree, my wish first and foremost (and for life), is that Jesus will always remind me where the source of my happiness truly comes from.

So with that, Merry Christmas, and I truly hope you have a merry one. 

One Year...

It's hard to believe it's been one year when it still feels like it happened yesterday. But when I think back to how hurt I was, how crazy I felt, just a year ago...I can't help but to applaud God for helping me come this far. It's been a year of hurt, yes. A year of endless crying spells, yes. But each day has made me stronger. Even if sometimes I feel like crap or if I feel like the most pathetic person in the world, I'm still strong because I'm here and most importantly I'm sane.
I encourage anyone, even if it's not heartbreak, to keep standing strong in whatever you may be going through. Whether it's heartbreak, sickness, or some other tragedy, please stay strong. My last thing is that if someone doesn't understand or see your point of view it doesn't mean that you are stupid or pathetic for feeling the way you're feeling. You have every right to feel. Everyone's story is different. Everyone goes through different things so no one can tell you what you should and shouldn't feel, or that they know how you feel because they don't. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you are allowed to feel and heal on your own pace.

So, cheers to this day because if I've made it this far, I can make it even farther, and so can you.

Can't get enough

It has been a while, I know. To start off, today marks 11 months. These past few months I have been trying very hard to keep myself busy and distracted. If I'm not busy with school, being in a play, or writing for the newspaper, I'm busy trying to distract myself with anything and everything else. I've been so caught up trying to distract myself that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write this. So, I'm sorry. I have been loving the freedom my mind has been getting, even if it's briefly, with all of the things that I've taken part of.
Distractions are temporary, which is why I want more and more and more and...you get the point. The bad part about distractions is that it becomes addicting. It can also have no boundary, meaning that it can be either good or bad. In my case, it's both. I've just been wanting to distract myself so much that I cannot get enough of them, and I haven't cared whether they were good for me or not. As long as it's taking my mind off of him.
I can't believe it's been 11 months. Even though I could say more, I'm not going to because I really don't want to dwell on it.

Until next time (very soon, I promise).

Am I the bad guy?

Sometimes I wonder if I really did do something wrong. If maybe I gave nameless a reason to stop loving me...did I? Is it possible that love for someone could leave so quickly after being there for so long? (Answering my own question) No. Love doesn't just disappear. It doesn't just "die" even if the person hurt you really badly. But I'm still wondering if I did something way wrong because if I didn't...wouldn't he have done something by now? What switch could I have possibly flipped to make him, the one who made it crystal clear he wasn't leaving my side under any circumstance, actually turn his back on me for good?
I get so angry thinking about how I put my trust, my heart, into this guy. I didn't realize how much of "me" I gave him until he left. Sometimes I wonder if it was a waste of my time. I even wonder if I'm wasting my time giving him thought, and still loving him. I mean he made a complete fool out of me. Look, I'm completely exposing myself by writing a freaking blog about it. I don't know if he feels the same way, if he still thinks about me or if I'm even worth thinking about to him. All I know is that I don't see anything happening, I have no way of knowing, and it's making me feel like giving up.

So, am I really the bad guy? Why else would he just up and walk out of my life? And find every way to keep me out of his? Why else would his stare look like it could disintegrate me in seconds? How else did I come from being one of the closest people to him to being the person he pushed the furthest away? How does that work? How could he do that all for my best interest? Stupidity that's how. I'm done. Good night.

Fighting for peace that I already have

Today marks 9 months of our break-up anniversary, Wow (tearing up again). Anyway, I've been holding back a little. For a while it's been on my heart to write this post, but I just didn't make the time for it. Some days I wake up feeling heavy. Some days I wake up fine, but then during the day I get sad, and start to feel really heavy again. At any point, this heaviness could hit me, and I would let it smack me in the face, and bring me down. 9 months ago my very best friend decided to walk out of my life, and I felt like I haven't been at peace since. I felt like everyday was a fight to be me again. I was fighting to have peace.There would be some moments that I would feel really peaceful, and every time that feeling came around, I'd close my eyes willing myself to stay in that place. It didn't work.
Pretty much all last week, I was listening to a song called Elastic Heart by Sia, and I love the song by the way, but God was telling me not to listen to it. Of course, I ignored him at first, but in the song there's a line that says "I'm still fighting for peace", And God told me, "Why are you fighting for peace that you already have?" I guess that's why he wanted me to stop listening to it, because my reason for listening to it was to be able to relate with that thought that I didn't have peace, but God told me that I did.
Throughout the past 9 months God has been my go-to for every concern and frustration that I've had. He has been my go-to for peace, and sometimes I forget that I still have it no matter where I go or what I do. I don't have to always have my nose in a devotional or in the bible to stay in that place of peace. I have it everywhere I go. That means I have it in my sleep, the moment that I wake up, when I'm brushing my teeth, showering, going to class, going out. It is with me everywhere I go because God is with me everywhere I go, and in everything I do. This whole time I've been so convinced that I didn't have peace, but it was all in my head. God reminded me that I don't have to continue to fight for peace that he has been continuously giving me.
This doesn't mean that I still don't have my moments or that I'm perfectly content without nameless in my life. Just the thought of him not being in my life right now still brings me to tears sometimes. This just means that I am no longer letting this situation keep me in that place of heaviness, because I trust what God is doing. Having peace is basically trusting and believing that everything is going to work out, even if you don't see anything happening. It's not worrying about a thing, because God knows exactly what he's doing, and he knows exactly when he wants things to happen. Personally, I'm really excited to see what he has in mind.

Coping when there's no more cope left

Heartbreak is a pretty big deal for people. Why? Because we crave love. Whether it's romantic love, friendship love, or family love, we crave it. Not only do we crave it, but we we're made to love. I've never had anything take me for an unexpected loop the way heartbreak has. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do, and I could not see this far. All I could see was what was happening then, all I could feel was how I felt then, and it sucked. I had to learn how to cope, and I did, but as time went on I didn't think I could keep coping...I didn't have any more cope to cope with. The longer time went without nameless saying a word to me, the more I became confused and irritated (and it doesn't make it easier, now that we're away from each other). I was tired of "dealing".I couldn't stand seeing him treat me this way, and eventually I completely ran out of cope. I think I mentioned this in a last post, but I became numb, and who's my numbing medicine? Jesus.

I mentioned in one of my posts that Jesus is the reason I held on this long. It's true, and here's how. He numbs me to the pain, he's a permanent substitute for the spot my "cope" used to be. The thing is that he numbs me, yes, but sometimes I do feel the pain, and I end up back where I started, but only when I stop asking Jesus for his help. Actually, I guess you can say Jesus is stronger than numbing medicine, because this medicine doesn't wear off unless again, you stop asking for help. When you ask Jesus for his help, it's like you have so much peace. This time instead of feeling the pain, you know of the pain, and instead of actually feeling it, you just have a sense of peace about the situation. I think it's a wonderful thing that when you feel like you can't handle it anymore, all you have to do is turn to Jesus. Even though it's still good to turn to him, when you do feel like you can handle, but most people (me) will usually turn to him when they feel like they're about to go crazy (me). I will admit that it's not something I always take advantage of. It's not easy for me to get out of that place of hurt when I can't see the birds eye view of things, when I don't know that everything is going to be OK. Even if God is telling me, even if I have that knowing, if it doesn't physically look like anything is changing, it's hard for me to believe it.
I'm coming to you today in full honesty. Right now, I am in tears because I feel like I can't handle it.I love nameless with all of my heart, and not being able to see the big picture, if everything is going to be OK, if he's going to come around, hurts to an extent that I cannot explain. Not knowing if he even still cares about me, if  I'm the only one with the same feelings, if our relationship was all for nothing except to bring me pain in the end, if he's better off without me, all of these questions is what wore down my coping. So, the truth is I can't handle it. I stopped being able to handle it. That's why I drown myself with Netflix, and try to distract myself with other things like, music and dancing (which is a great distraction btw), but none of it lasts because there won't ever be a distraction greater than Jesus.

Hoping isn't a bad thing

I've been a bit busy lately, with packing for college and all, and with the big day approaching I can't help but feel a little sad. I'm just a little lovesick. See, when you love someone so much, it's really hard not to have any hope that they'll come around, but with hoping comes a price to pay; disappointment, and with disappointment comes sadness and yada, yada. The thing that is no matter how many times I've tried to hide it, or even convince myself that it's not there, I've been doing nothing but hoping. Hoping that maybe nameless will come around, today, tonight, tomorrow, sometime before I go off to college...maybe the blind shades will get slapped off one day, and he'll see what a stupid decision he made. And with each day that didn't happen, I wanted to give up on him completely, but what's really annoying is that I CAN'T.
No matter how much I want to hate him, give up on him, and stop caring completely, I can't. Truthfully, I don't want to hope anymore, why should I? I have nothing to hold on to but the memories of the past. But I'm still in love, and that's what's keeping me holding on. 
I'm saying all of this to say that I was ashamed of hoping. I mean, this guy hurt me so badly and I still believe in him? I still care about him as much as I did eight months ago? For what? He's treating me like I don't exist, and I'm pouring the chambers of my heart out. Please, what a waste of time. Give up already. But despite all of that, I couldn't give up.

Hope is not a bad thing, and it's not something you should be afraid or ashamed of having. Yeah, you'll get people telling you to give up, or "there's someone better", or some other discouraging stuff, but they don't get it. They won't get it, until they're in it, and even then they probably still won't get it because everyone's story is different. To the other broken hearted ladies out there: You're not pathetic, you're not crazy, or obsessed, you're just hurt, not to say that you can't ever get to that point of being obsessed because it's possible.
The thing with hoping is that it does have to be controlled, when you let it consume you, when it's all you think about, it can cause you to be pretty obsessive, and in turn make you do things that aren't cute at all. Hope is a desire, it's natural, so we shouldn't have to be ashamed of having it. So, if you want to hope, then hope don't let anyone make you feel stupid for that.

My Heart Speaks

I mentioned in my first post that everything I write on this blog is going to be coming straight from my heart (hence the title), and it has. It's just that....do you ever get this feeling that no matter what you say, or how many ways/times you say it, it's still not exactly what you want to say or there's something else you need to say, you just don't know what? That's what I'm feeling. Usually when I'm feeling this way, I just write a poem. So, I'm just going to go off a limb here and write, because I feel like it's been most of my mind doing the talking instead of my heart. Alright, here we go:

My Heart Speaks

I don't know what it is
I don't know why
I have so many emotions scratching from inside
This pit filled with pain has gotten a lot deeper
And it's so heavy that I've become too numb to feel it
But the tears keep coming for a reason
They don't stop
And I wonder if that's what I'm filled with
If my pain is formed into tears that fill me like a tub
While torment soaks inside
bathing me with confusion
Dimming my bright light
Making it hard for me to see clearly
Except the movie screen my mind portrays
Replaying the day he shattered our dreams
With empty seats that promises should have filled
"I thought of your best interest"
I hear him say it
Over and over again
Confusion takes me to a track field
Making me run in circles
Lap by lap
I get more tired and more confused
Always ending up back where I started
Unable to find the right words for the question welling so deeply inside me
I finally come up with one
If it's my best interest he has in mind, then why am I being treated as if I'm the one unworthy?

Eight months going strong and sane

August 12th, which was yesterday, marked eight months of nameless and I being apart. Yes, in honor of our eight month break-up anniversary I could have written this yesterday, but I didn't feel like it. This is the longest that we've ever gone being apart, and I have to give a round of applause to myself for staying this sane (clap, clap). Eight months going strong and sane, and I have to give all of the credit to Jesus, because it was not a smooth ride.
Even if it was a month, a week, or whatever, that's still something to celebrate. Why? Because it doesn't matter how much pain you're in, if you go weak in the knees when you see him, how badly you lose focus when he walks by you, no. What matters is that you are still standing, and that you are continuing to push through the pain. Meaning that you are not harming yourself, not looking pitiful to draw attention, and not showing him you're phased by it. You can be in a much pain as you want, but as long as you look strong on the outside, you'll be succeeding more than you know because you'll have everyone fooled even him. Nameless has a certain way of dealing with things; he won't show how it really affects him, and that's what I had to go through in high school. I had to watch him act like he didn't give a freaking crap about me, and it hurt like heck because I knew him so well that I knew exactly what he was doing, I knew how he really felt, and he knew that I knew that. Which is why he went to great lengths to make his act look as real as possible. Of course no one else saw past it but me, so I had to carry that burden. Although there was one level-headed person who didn't fall for it, and believed me even when I didn't believe myself, and I'm so grateful for her. Anyway, It took me a while, but I figured that if he can act like he's not phased, then why shouldn't I? He looked like he was doing a lot better than I was, and I got really tired of it, but that's what he wanted me to see. Haha (lightbulb), so I joined him in the game, why let him play alone? Where I am now, is definitely not where I was eight months ago, but I sure did fake it till I made it here, and I've gotten so good at it.

Like it was yesterday

Sometimes I can't help reliving my last moments of interaction with this guy. Wait. "This guy" needs a name. How about...nameless. His name will be nameless because I'm not going to name him.  Anyway, in each of those moments that I do relive, I think of what I could have said to maybe convince him that he was wrong, that he was making a big mistake. I replay the whole scene but in each scene I say something different, something more heartfelt. I do this because Sometimes, I'll think of what really happened, what I really said, and I wonder if maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe I needed to be more convincing. I relive each moment like it was yesterday, and the feelings that come back are so fresh that it feels like it only happened a few hours ago. I sure do cry like it happened a few hours ago (yes I still cry). 

But no matter how many different ways that I play out the scenes in my head, it won't change what really happened. Being stuck between reality, and imagination is what's keeping me in this place of "would've, should've, could've", and it's a hard place to get out of. 

If you love her, then fight the good fight

You know what I don't get about guys? They think they know everything. They think that their way is the only right way to do things. Our decisions (ladies) isn't taken as seriously as their decisions. They think that they're thinking logicially when really they're thinking stupidly. Ok, so let me backtrack a little. Let's say a guy loves you, like really loves you. He does some things that hurts you, like stupid immature things, but because you love him, you forgive him and move on. So, this guy who's completely in love with you sees that his actions are hurting you. So instead of changing his actions, he completely backs out because he "loves you so much", he doesn't want to keep hurting you.
Ok, lets just pause right there. Isn't love something you have to keep fighting for? It's evident that relationships aren't perfect, but guess what? They're not supposed to be, and that's the beauty of it. One day I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy was talking to her friend Willow about her past relationship, and she said something that really hit home. She said, "I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.", and I completely agree with her. It's literally everything that I'm trying to say here in a nutshell.
Back to the scenario, so the guy loves you so much that he doesn't want to keep hurting you, and it's very mature of him to realize what he's doing, but why back out now? He's already in this deep, so keep going. The whole point of realizing your mistakes is to FIX them, to CHANGE what you're doing not to just sweep them under your bed, and never look at them again. No, to the guys, take those mistakes throw them in the trash can, take that bag of trash out, and put a fresh trash bag in that trash can. In other words, don't back out, start fresh. If you love someone, really love them, then fight the good fight because all we want (ladies) is to feel like we're worth fighting for.

Out of Sight, Still in Mind

This title has been quietly sitting in my drafts for weeks. Meanwhile, my mind is the exact definition of this title, so I have no idea why it's been in my drafts for so long. "Out of sight, still in mind" is exactly what has been happening since graduation, the last time I saw nameless. You would think it's a lot easier to not cry, to not be depressed, to basically move on if I didn't have to see his face all the time. But that's just it, I do see his face all the time, in my head, in my dreams. You'd think sleep would be the perfect escape, but no, it makes it harder because I wake up, and that nice long hug that he gave me, that nice talk we had, his explanations and reassurances, they all never happened.
Part of me has hope, part of me wants to give up, all me trusts God, but none of me wants to sit around and wait for my "dreams to come true" or to see if they ever will. Now, even though that "out of sight, out of mind" cliche doesn't apply to me, I do have to say that it gets easier. What makes it easier is not that I'm getting over it, or that the pain is subsiding, no, because it hurts as if it were still a fresh wound, what really makes it easier is that I'm adapting to the pain. It's a lot easier for me to hide my sadness, to hide the pain that I'm feeling because I learned how to (cliche alert) dance in the rain. All thanks to the Big Man upstairs because I don't think I'd do this well if it weren't for him.
Anyway, I learned how to put on a happy face, be the silly person I was before all of this happened, while crying and expressing my hurt/frustrations to God behind closed doors. If I couldn't hold it in while I was in public, I did have friends who were there for me. Although for some, I had to stop showing my true feelings because I felt like they expected me to be over it just like that, but that is for another post. All in all I had to learn how to work my sadness, not let it work me. I'm a girl of major emotion, and when there's something wrong it's all over my face, and when you come up to me, depending on who you are, I'll burst out into tears (I've improved). By the way, when I say that I've learned to "work my sadness," I don't mean that I've been flaunting it around like a trophy, no. I mean that...hm...let's put it this way, it's like wearing underwear; it's there, it's on you, but no one can see it...unless you show it to them. Anyway, people may have different types of "easier," but that's how it has gotten easier for me.

Bob the relationship builder

I mentioned earlier that I had two losses that I wasn't prepared for. With these two losses came a very different side of me. I wasn't getting what I wanted, and I was angry. I was so used to always fixing a situation, and then having everything going back to the way it was right away. What happened between me and this guy was just another problem that I thought I could fix. I figured that if we could just talk about it like we always do, then things can be right again, but apparently talking wasn't an option. So, I was stuck. Completely stuck because I realized that I couldn't be Bob the relationship builder in this one. So, then of course I realized that the term "let go, and let God" had to be applied to this situation, and that was really hard to do because:

Number 1: I didn't want to wait because I was in pain.

Number 2: I was tired of seeing that guy treat me like I didn't exist because it was causing more pain.

Number 3: For the first time, I didn't know what the future looked like, and that hurt most of all.


I realized that God allowed this to happen so that I could finally turn to him, and surrender. So, that I could learn what it really means to trust him. God wanted me to have a blindfold on in this situation, so that I could take his hand, and let him lead. That doesn't mean that I haven't bumped into obstacles because I have, and that's because I listened to what was going on around me. Even though God had my hand, he didn't have my legs. I still let what other people said stop me dead in my tracks (I'll get to that later). Anyway, this blindfold thing is still on. I still have no idea what's going on, and I still have no idea what's going to happen. The only thing that I'm sure of is God's hand.

Two losses

There came a time when my emotions were at it's peak, like the very tip toppity top of the peak, and I felt like I was losing myself. I had no idea what it meant to really lose someone so important to me. I didn't know I could ever feel this way, that I could feel like something isn't right, something is missing. I would wake up every morning feeling this way, and I still do, I've just gotten used to it. The point is that I wasn't prepared for it, and that guy wasn't either, it was an unexpected turn for the both of us, but it was a choice that this same guy made because he thought he was doing it for my good. Yeah, I said it, my own good (what is he God or something?). He ripped himself out my life because he thought that it would be better for me. I didn't understand because there's no one who could be even better for me than this guy, and instead this guy gives himself a 1 star, packs his bag, walks away, and no matter how many times I tried to call out, he wouldn't look back. If you're thinking that if I love this guy, and if he was wrong, why don't I just tell him? Every time I tried, it only got worse, he became more closed in and just kept pushing me away. Guys are so stupid. They think that they have to be the macho man, and put their foot down when they think they're right. But it's like they don't get it through their thick skulls that their "super-smart" decision is really just a super stupid decision conjured up from their own insecurities, and is only going to do more damage than good.

From the outside looking in, this guy would probably be classified as a jerk. It makes sense, any guy who breaks a girl's heart for no good reason is automatically classified as a jerk. But that's not the point of this blog, I'm not trying to make this guy look like a horrible dude, because he wasn't. Did he make a jerk-move? Yup. Is he being a jerk? Yup. But is he actually a jerk? Not at all. I don't know where his thought process went, and how it led him to do what he did, but I do know that he always had my back. This guy wasn't only my boyfriend, but he was the very best friend that I could ever ask for. So, I had two losses that I wasn't prepared for: my boyfriend, and my best friend. 

It's time

The title of this blog is exactly what this blog is going to be about: tales spoken from a broken heart, my broken heart. I've spent so many months, 7 months to be exact, wallowing in my own depression from being hurt so badly and not knowing why what happened actually happened or how I could fix it. I've spent 7 months in confusion, in anger, in pain, in numbness, and coming back from it all just the same: broken. For the past 7 months I've just been broken, picking up pieces of myself as I went along the last 5 months of high school and then some. Having a ever so growing faith in Jesus, the only thing that made sense was to take my broken pieces and hand it all over to him, so I did. Getting tired of talking to myself, and other people, I decided to talk to him. I figured since he's God, he can give me some answers. I said, "Lord, what's going on here? What the heck happened?" and you know what he said? He said, "Let me make it right." OK. I can do that, you're God, if I can't fix it, then you can.

So I waited, and I waited. Senior year went by, and it wasn't getting any better, things didn't seem like they were getting made "right". The guy (I'll make him more important later) that broke my heart was still acting like I murdered his family, and wouldn't even look my way. What the heck was God making right? By the time graduation came along I thought things would have gotten better, or I thought that at least it would have been the day things were going to start getting better, but no. So, I waited some more. And when I say "wait", I don't mean that just sat waiting for God to hand me a note saying, "I've made things right, now go get your boy." No, I prayed, I read my bible, I focused on myself, while waiting for my prayers to get answered. One Sunday morning while church was still in session, this was about a week after graduation (a.k.a after nothing happened), I went out to the parking lot, went behind my mom's car, squatted (getting down on my knees would have meant getting my pants dirty), and I cried. Again, I asked, "God, what's going on?" I think I said that, if I didn't say that then I asked, "God, when will things get better?" Either way, his answer was,"Just wait."

So, that's what I've been doing. I've been trusting God, whatever he's planning for me, and honestly it's kind of sucky because I want answers, and I want that guy back in my life. I don't know what the outcome of trusting God looks like, I don't know what it feels like, I'm not on that side yet. Right now, I'm still hurting, and my heart has been crying out in so much pain. I'm always thinking about it, and talking to myself about it, and I've gotta say that it's pretty draining. Writing has always been an outlet that I haven't been taking enough advantage of as I should, and I find that when I get my thoughts out on something that it will stick on, it's like my mind is freed from playing ring around the rosy with them. So, with that being said, it's time to finally let it all out. It's time to finally tell the tales of my broken heart.